Tuesday, December 27, 2011

a homemade christmas.

just like everyone else you know, christmas is probably my favorite time of year. i love the extremely butter or sugar-centric homemade food and the festive bell-heavy jingly music. but most of all i love that feeling you get when you finally find the right gift for that particularly hard friend or family member to shop for. this year i was feeling particularly challenged when shopping for my loved ones, and then it finally dawned on me. i'll just make everyone's gifts! i started by doing some facebook stalking to find specific personal quotes for each of the people i was creating them for. then i designed a poster to not only match the person i was giving it to but to also match their personal space i thought they might put it in. i'm not going to lie, they turned out pretty alright if i do say so myself.

for my little sister i went fairy tale themed:

 for my dad i used a quote that his father used to say, which he got from his father. 
 my mom has this saying up in our kitchen, so i thought it appropriate to put more of her personality into it 
 and for my brother, i knew it had to be sports themed in some way. 

seeing my designs printed out was something entirely new for me, and it was absolutely thrilling. i think i might have started a trend here.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

a (very, very late) thanksgiving post.

wanna know something i'm weirdly good at? i've probably already written about this a time or two but i have this habit where i'll write a blog post at some stupid hour at night and because it's so late and i'm so tired, making useful revision nearly impossible, i have the good sense to save my post as a draft, telling myself i i will revise and post it the next day. aaaand i never do. the following writing is the product of that. i wrote this all last sunday and even though the context in which it was written isn't exactly relevant anymore i still feel like the post itself says something important therefore i'm sharing it with you all anyway. 

so about two minutes ago, as i was in my kitchen putting away my unsuccessful attempt at no bake cookies, i started thinking back on thanksgiving weekend that i was lucky enough to spend with my family and i felt compelled to write a little something about just how much i really do have to be grateful for.

family: i love having extended family whom i love and actually look forward to spending time with. i know so many people who either hate or don't feel comfortable with their aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins. i love that, through out my life my immediate family has made it a priority in my life to forge friendships with my extended family. i'm also grateful for such an enjoyable immediate family. weston is such a kidder. brooke is the epitome of being a carefree child. christee is the best example. my mom is the most giving and service oriented person i know. my father is such a personification of integrity and such a great example to me of who i want to become. and, of course, jesse is my best friend.

our little family photoshoot that we did over thanksgiving break. jesse made a guest appearance. it was a holiday miracle!

i'm grateful to have been blessed with the gift of perspective. i have no doubt in my mind that that's why i was able to avoid making some of the bad choices i was faced with in high school and why i can so easily handle hardship now. i know that all the uncomfortable situations i find myself in are but a small moment. now if only i could apply that same thought process to binge eating half set up no bake cookies i'd be set.

i'm grateful for my roommate and friend, katrina. i know so many people who end up hating their best friends after living with them but i can honestly say, even after a year and a half, i've never regretted living with katrina. not even for a second. if anything i'm pretty sure she got the short end of the stick. i'm always joking about how i feel way bad because my bad habits are rubbing off on her like when she wakes up late for class (not that, that happens, because katrina's perfect, right terina?). she's taught me how to prioritize and that i should probably attempt to be more of a perfectionist. also that i need to learn to be cleaner. (don't worry trina, my mom sympathizes with you there.)

trina, i bet you didn't know the little gem on the right existed, did you? 

i'm grateful to know who i am, who i want to be and to have a plan on how to get there. there are so many unanswerable variables out there that make life hard and i can't imagine trying to tackle all those while not even knowing myself or what i truly wanted.

i love that my list of things to be grateful for is full of people. i'm always joking around that my life is so easy and that i never have any right to complain but it's so true. my life is easy. and i love it.

remember back when i told you "what i know" by parachute was my current favorite song? well they have another one that just won't leave my head. it's called "something to believe in" aaaand basically i love it. so here you are. enjoy. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

productivity in it's rarest form.

(before i even start writing let me just tell you i am about to get convoluted very fast. lets begin)
so most of you may know i'm a very visual person. i'm also a very disorganized person and i'm pretty sure the saying "out of sight out of mind" was written just for me. because of these things i am the master of making lists. however, just because i make lists doesn't mean i accomplish what's on those lists.
 in my space exploration class on tuesday i started to get bored, as one does in that class... every week, and so i started writing a to-do list for the next two days. the story i'm about to tell you about that list is truly a modern day miracle. i completed over half of my list. lets start from the top:
  • i actually went to class this morning. i'm pretty sure it's self explanatory as to why that's a major accomplishment.
  • upon coming home from that class i went and got my licence renewed (don't worry it's not like it'd been expired since my birthday or anything.... yeah)
  • had a meeting with a "writing fellow" to discuss my art history paper. 
  • i went to my 3D design class
  • got my hair cut (as seen in the picture to the right) oh and my hair is also now bright red, as of last night. you can't really tell in this picture though. 
  • deposited 3 checks i'd been carrying around with me since summer
  • went to work where i somehow managed to get a free hot dog and slice of pizza AND i had a mother ask to be scheduled to come in to get pictures taken only at a time that i would be working. *beams with pride* best day at work ever. 
  • upon coming home from work i ran over to holly's apartment where we pooled our resources to get cache valley's best stat-ititions to help her with her extra credit homework. alright, so that might have been an exaggeration but i did help her find two guys who actually knew a thing or two about stats. so  i consider it an accomplishment.
  • i then spent the remainder of the night in the company of good friends.
now that it's nearly 2 AM, i'm thinking of the day i have ahead of me tomorrow, which is going to be go, go, go all day; starting with a conference call and 9:30 shift at work and ending at 6 with art history, a class i'm still trying to convince myself i don't hate. 

for the first time all semester i'm completely exhausted, and it's not even 4. day= success.

P.S.! wanna see something i'm super excited for?


Friday, November 11, 2011

oscar wilde: the bravest addition.

so, here are some things (i feel like every post is starting that way, but it doesn't bug me enough to change it.)

i believe most of you know of the most recent addition to my little apartment:

his name is oscar wilde, and i love him. i'm not even kidding, ask katrina. i show him to anyone brave enough to enter our apartment, i basically greet him every time i enter my room, and i randomly talk about him. a lot. the other day i put him in front of the mirror because i wanted to see how he would react, thinking there was another beta around. let me tell you, oscar is a feisty one. i had to remove the mirror because i was afraid he was going to kill himself by ramming his head into the side of the bowl repeatedly. yesterday, i accidentally poured too much fish food into his tank so i went and got a spoon to scoop it out with. instead of cowering away from the foreign object, as a lesser fish would do, he came right up to it and tried to intimidate it. i couldn't have purchased a more fitting fish if i'd tried. i feel like such a proud mother.

as part of being an art major a graphic design major i get to go to a seminar once a week where successful artists in the community come and speak to us, i would imagine so that we all don't grow too hopeless in ever using our degree to actually make money. tonight we got to hear from a rather famous and pretty well off photographer, patrick cone. pat started off by showing us some of his most famous work, and then telling us how much money he's made (one picture has made him almost over $20,000). he then proceeded to tell us that a freelance photographer being hired by magazines or companies should NEVER pay for hotels, flights, food or equipment upgrades. guys. we have a serious problem here. everything he was saying had the little wanna-be-artist inside of me screaming that this is what she wants to do. for some reason i had it stuck in my head that the only photography i could ever make money from would be portraits (which we all know isn't my forte) but this guy, he makes money from his street photography. he gets flown to places like new york, portugal, and new zeland to take pictures of amazing sites i can only dream of. and it's all paid for. i don't think i've ever been so excited to listen to one middle aged man for an hour in my life. even though i completely realize that thinking i'll ever get to that same professional status as him is a total stretch, i at least have a little more fire under me to go out and practice what i love. he said something tonight that really stuck with me. "do you have to do art?" he paused as we all thought about it, some of us slightly shaking our heads no. "i don't know about you guys but i totally do. i'm compelled to. it's all i know how to do, and when i see something i love, i HAVE to document it." that's the point i want to get to in my life, feeling compelled to take my camera everywhere just in case i see that one perfect shot that i know i'll regret passing up. i already have those moments where i wish i could have documented something, but i can't wait for the day where my love of documenting overrides my self doubt. wow, that paragraph grew really fast and got kinda heavy towards the end there. apologies. lets move on to lighter/girlier things.

for the past few months i've really, really wanted to dye my hair some outrageous colour. something like this:
the way i see it, i'm nearing the place in my life where obnoxious colored hair soon won't be acceptable anymore, or i guess even less acceptable than it is now. while dying my hair auburn was fun a few months ago, i'm ready to go even more bold. i think blue or purple tips would be amazing. i really need a hair school friend who lives  nearby to help me safely accomplish these things.

speaking of photography: lately i've been compelled to take pictures of my feet wherever i'm standing/sitting/currently being. i kinda want to start some sort of project with that but i don't know where i would post the pictures. they're just simple ones taken with my phone but the few that i've taken have kind of made me really happy, and i want to continue this. thoughts?

i painted my nails tonight:
the amount of times i paint my nails in any given week is directly proportional to how bored i am vs. how lazy i am. all in all i'm pretty proud of how they turned out.

so, every so often i go through these stages where i spend a few hours late at night on half.com compiling lists and lists of books to purchase that i've wanted to read for ever. stuff ranging from old classics, to stuff popular today to books i remember reading and absolutely loving as a kid. i easily fill up my shopping cart with 20 or more books and then i check out the total. and then close the entire window because that's too much money and i already have 12 books here that i need to read before i purchase anything else. and then there's two hours of my life that i've wasted with nothing to show for it. i'm unsure why i do this. and yes, tonight was one of those nights.
(half.com book shopping cart update thing: i actually went ahead and purchased those books. 6 books for $14 bucks baby. lets hope i don't regret this in the morning.)

well, now that it's 3 AM i think i'm allowed to go to bed now.
wanna hear what i was listening to while writing this? ok.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

ten stupid, but actual reasons why i'm still awake:

1-i have to work in six and a half hours and for some reason that makes me mad and refuse to want to sleep.
2-it's snowing outside. furious.
3-my lips are chapped and my chapstick is across the room.
4-i'm still a little too excited about now having a best friend, oscar.
5-my night didn't go quite as planned, so in semi protest i'm refusing to go to sleep.
6-i'm listening to this song on repeat

and it is so good.
7-i'm finally downloading a movie i've wanted to see FOREVER and i don't want to turn off my computer until it's finished (even though it's only at 11%)
8-it's day four of november and i haven't written anything. and that makes me mad at myself.
9-i'm fighting the compulsion to start reading a book i've owned for over a year now that i haven't even started yet.
10- if i wait another ten minutes my ice cubes will be ready.

i just really, really do not want to work tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

a list of thoughts: halloween version.

guys. it's only 1 am and i'm already exhausted and completely ready for bed. i feel like this is some kind of bad sign, however because i've had a collective 8 hours of sleep over the past two days, and i work at 9 in the morning i'm not going to fight it this time. well, after i write this and then watch an episode of community on hulu, then i'll stop fighting it.

so, from the moment i got up this morning i've been thinking of things to tell you guys. i haven't really told you anything in a while so the fact that i have multiple things to tell you really caught me off guard. i'm hoping that's just my brain getting me ready/excited for nanowrimo and to write 1,667 words a day, however i'm pretty sure that's purely wishful thinking. which is unfortunate.

lets start from the top:

  • i woke up this morning in the most disoriented state i've ever been in my entire life. i spent over ten seconds in three separate mind sets. first: i thought it was saturday, but i couldn't figure out why my alarm was going off. then i was sure it was sunday and that i was late for work. but once i looked at my phone, which said 8:10, that scenario didn't work because we don't open until noon. i knew i had somewhere super important to be but i couldn't figure it out. after some very intense trudging through my cloudy muddled mind i realized it was monday and that i had a project due in my 2D design class in twenty minutes. after some miracle preforming i ended up only being five minutes late to class. still unsure as to how i pulled that one off.
  • when people saw me this morning i'm sure they thought i just didn't wake up in time to get ready. but nope: it was actually my halloween costume. or at least that's what my foggy/brilliant state of mind decided to tell EVERYONE I RAN INTO ON THE BUS. which just so happens to be literally everyone i'm friends with up here. but i digress. because i woke up late i didn't have time to... well to virtually do anything. so i quickly threw on some clothes and a couple jackets, grabbed a granola bar and ran for the bus. this means i didn't have time to put on my socially acceptable face which also means i was sporting yesterday's hair. i truly was a vision. 
  • after all that fun tired/hobo nonsense i had the privilege of going to the local dollar plus here. in my 3D design class we're creating light fixtures solely out of material purchased at the dollar store. now, anyone who knows me knows i HATE dollar stores. there's just something inherently repulsive about them to me. but today i must have been in a more receptive state of mind because i found myself in awe of the store's low prices instead of put off by them. that is, until i was waiting in the check out line with my china-made finds and i spotted a pregnancy test right next to the packs of sure-to-be-stale wriggly gum. my first reaction was to laugh. why anyone would put any faith in a pregnancy test purchased at a dollar store is completely beyond me. my second reaction was to text trina, whom them responded accurately with a "hahahhah"
  • as a valued employee of kiddie kandid's i get to work in logan's sad excuse of a mall. today they sponsored trick or treating for over 3,000 little kids to come dressed up and get free candy. what baffled me wasn't how many parents were dressed up, but how many were scantily clad. which was an alarming amount. i guess some people never quite grow out of some phases.
  • in the theme of halloween i watched a scary movie tonight. at first i was so sure i was going to regret it because i've always been a child with an overactive imagination. however, that scary movie pulled a fast one and i ended up full of regret for a whole different slew of reasons. that movie was the biggest waste of time ever. if i was to star in a movie as a creepy psycho person who gets her jollies off by terrifying strangers, i wouldn't spend 90% of my time standing silently behind said strangers so only the audience can see me and then completely disappearing so the main characters hardly ever see me. it's not scary. it's not surprising. it's not effective. /rant

lets end on a good note: i got a 95% on my art history paper. it's too bad that doesn't count for 75% of my grade instead of 25% because i have a feeling the midterm i took last week isn't going to be anywhere near that high.

well i just realized i've been sitting with my head tilted back against the wall for five minutes, in a state which started out as thinking and almost ended in kinked-neck sleeping, so i think i'm going to bed now.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

lets play catch up: a week too late.

i've been collecting things to write down and tell you guys for over a week now, but i've just play playing too hard (bet you never thought i'd say that) to get myself to sit down and sort it all out into nice coherent sentences. and now it's gotten to the point where i have so much i want to share that i'm overwhelmed slash i waited too long on some things so their relevance is nearing zero, and if i bring them up now it's going to be slightly weird. but lets do it anyway:

last friday i was sporting my hot new red pants like the fashionably challenged child that i am. this was also the day i went to a free hypnotist show that my apartment complex was putting on. at one point in the show the hypnotist told the stage full of volunteers to find someone in the crowd wearing red and that the color red would smell better than anything they'd ever smelt before. i was in the second row, in the very center. within two seconds of him saying "go" i had four people groping my legs and pulling on my pants, smelling who knows what. most awkward two minutes of my life. after the show one of the guys, who had apparently found the smell equivalent of heaven on the pants of my left knee, came up and apologized to me. do you want to see a very small glimpse of me being publicly molested? click on this. it's at about 37:14 that i appear and you see the group of children hoovering around my pants. so awkward.

last saturday i survived a haunted corn maze. yes, masked, groaning, hobbling men chasing us and all. truly terrifying. i'm mostly just proud of myself for actually agreeing to go. i still hate being scared but at least i tried. we also carved pumpkins. i decided the most terrifying thing i could carve on it was the face of raggedy ann. wanna see?

wednesday i forced a few of the guys who live in my building to go play coed volleyball with me at the church. i had a bet going on with a guy on the other team that we would win. after completely losing in our first game, we actually won the second and gave up the third. i must say, i was pretty proud of my rag-tag team of goonies after that. i was honestly just happy to finally play.

at work the other day i was trusted enough to take pictures of a newborn without anyone there supervising me. now i feel like i'm nowhere near fully trained so i was basically terrified. after my manager came back from her lunch break she praised me for not having to call her once (apparently when she left the other girl who's training as well, the girl had to call her five times in one hour. ouch.). so proud.

well, i've now caught you up to the middle of last week. i'm too tired to continue. maybe if you get lucky i'll post another one tomorrow. maybe.

Friday, October 14, 2011

the procrastination station

some things that i thought of that aren't important. ready?

one of the things i admire most about myself is my ability to lose track of time like it's my job, which unfortunately it isn't. oh, that's not a good thing? i sat down on this couch at 10:30. it's now 2:00. how? yeah i have no idea.

i'm currently sick. it's been a weird sickness though. like i can feel that something is wrong with my head, my nose is stuffy and my throat seems to be angry, but at the same time it's not really bothering me. it's like i'm detached from the discomfort that comes with being sick. i don't know if this is making sense, to be honest it doesn't make sense to me either.

i think i might have to rename this blog the procrastination station because that seems to be the only time i write in it. because as far as i'm concerned productivity is completely a figment of my imagination.

i wonder if there's ever been anyone who's listened to katy perry's song firework and thought to themselves, "you know, i have felt like a plastic bag!" yeah. no.

i just finished my hoemwork that i'd been procrastinating. it took me four hours to finally do, and all of thirty minutes to complete. wow.

i purchased some obscenely red pants today, which weirdly enough was something i'd been looking into purchasing for a while now. and i can't wait to wear them in public. now i just have to find something to actually wear with them.

seriously guys, i'm so excited. 

*edit. i took a picture of the pants for you. you're welcome :)

sorry that was the best picture i could get under the circumstances. i think the smudges on the mirror really add to the outfit. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

some small things before bed.

some things:

*so, i'm slowly realizing i really miss playing volleyball. tonight at FHE a few of us stragglers decided to play a game and it just felt good. i haven't played a real game since my senior year of high school, at least 3 years ago. that is way too long. i'm making it my goal to scrape together a bunch of people who want to play with me a few times a month. yep, i just decided that.

*next month is national write a novel month, also known as nanowrimo. the goal of nanowrimos is to write a 50,000 word novel in only 30 days; which equals out to 1,667 words a day. one of my goals in life is to write a novel so every november has haunted me ever since i learned about nanowrimo. i attempted last year, but only got to like 5,000 words before i got overwhelmed with life and stopped. i really want to try again this year. i still have a few weeks to really pull my ideas together. i'm just afraid i won't be able to finish it, kinda like how my project 365 is currently tanking (i hang my head in shame). i highly doubt anyone would want me to post each day's writings on here, and even if they did i don't think i'd feel comfortable with that. any ideas on how to motivate myself? shanks.

*speaking of incomplete projects, i've noticed a pattern. each fall the amount of pictures i take drops to nearly zero. i can't believe how incredibly uninspired i become when the trees are no longer green and the sunsets are no longer rich and orange and late. actually, now that i say it like that it makes total sense. i guess i really am a summer girl.

*now that the sunshine has left for good, i am always cold. so today after doing my laundry (which i did for the first time in.... well... over a month. honestly, i have SO many clothes) i poured all my clean, hot clothes on my bed and just laid on them. it felt oh so good. i really need to invest in a space heater or something.

*my new favorite thing is helping people at kiddie kandids who i had previously sold glasses to at standard optical. i'm lying. it's awkward. although i'm pretty sure it's only awkward for me (because there's no way they remember me like i remember them) but that's all that matters, right? right.

oh! i just found out that my finalized art history paper actually isn't due until tomorrow. procrastinating is no longer needed, therefore i no longer need to write in here. so, i'm headed to bed. night.

alright one more thing (for some reason i don't like posting without some sort of visual.) i found this and decided it was written for me.

yes galileo, yes. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

bad fashion trends vs. the golden spiral: which dictates beauty?

so it's 3:30 in the morning and i've been basically exhausted all day, but for some reason my brain is now wide awake and my legs are restless. while i'm in no position to act on having restless legs, i can do something about my brain running one hundred miles an hour. and so i'm writing.

about five minutes ago i was brushing my teeth, which is the one place i receive all my best ideas surprisingly, and i started thinking about strange hypothetical situations. and i ended up resting on this one:  say we as a human race somehow had the ability to change our appearance instantaneously and painlessly (we'll say only once a year to make it a little more simple. i've thought about this impossible situation before and the second i started entertaining the idea, i concluded that everyone would end up looking the exact same. don't people constantly try and get the same look as their favorite celebrities, bringing in pictures of jennifer aniston's hair cut or nicole kidman's nose? while beauty is mostly seen as a social construct, it has also been proven to have scientific facts backing it up. may i introduce most of you to the golden spiral

i remember learning about this concept in my math class in 9th grade and then again in my math 1050 class. in art history on friday we went over the ancient greek's architecture and how beautiful it was because it so closely resembled the human body as dictated by the golden spiral, which was discovered by non other than the great mathematician Pythagoras (remember him? no? does a^2 + b^2= c^2 ring any bells? pythagorian theorem? yep, that same guy.)

wow, i am getting way off topic. basically people are seen as beautiful as dictated by measurements found in the spiral. these same measurements are found all over in nature, furthering the idea that this spiral is perfect and innate and the gateway to all beauty (there is a lot more to this theory. if you want to learn more i suggest wikipediaing it). so, based on that knowledge that we find certain measurements as dictated math as perfect and beautiful, i then assumed that if people were given the chance most would all end up making all of their features similar, all the girls would model themselves after jessica alba and all the guys would look like joseph gordon leavitt (or maybe that's just my own personal wishful thinking).

but then i started thinking about other things that have become popular in recent history that were no where near a good idea. such as: jeggings (thank you conan. yes girls, this is how ridiculous you look when you wear tights as pants.),

 girl's parting their hair down the middle (now there are certain faces that can pull this off and i tried to find a celebrity committing this travesty but most celebrity stylists have enough good taste and common sense not to let those who shouldn't, implement this look. i could think of a few from my every day life but then i realized that might be a bit harsh, so i didn't), saggy pants on guys (i don't feel this needs a picture), then tight pants on guys(as seen by conan in the picture above),

and pedo glasses with matching stach (to find the picture of this that i was looking for all i had to do was type in hipster glasses and mustache. that is a bad sign, hipsters).  after thinking that through i remembered in the hunger games the people of the capitol dyed their skin strange sickly colors just to make themselves different to stand out.

all these things helped me realize that ugly things are mistaken for beautiful all the time (best example i can think of off the top of my head: rhianna's hair/outfit in the SNL sketch shy ronnie honestly? gross.)

so, bottom line: i can't decide if people would all end up looking the same or if the "popular" look would become completely outlandish or even animalistic, all in the name of individuality and high fashion.

need i say more?

if, by some miracle, you made it through all of that i want to know what your thoughts are on this subject matter. do you think people would all end up looking the exact same or completely, outlandishly different?

*edit: i get a nightly quote of the day from my favorite book site goodreads.com. last night they sent me a quote that fits in perfectly with all of this:

I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. 

Friday, October 7, 2011

A complaintive tale of two classes.

So I was sitting in my 2D design class the other day and I started getting really irritated (probably because my teacher decided to go through all the colors of the rainbow in the form of a convoluted, twenty minute powerpoint to tell us how those colors affect the human brain (I swear he just copied it from a Wikipedia article though).  Here's one of his informational jewels: did you know purple is seen as the most erotic color to both women and men? No? Yeah judging from the chatter that, that little tidbit incited from the class, neither did anyone else. When he said that we all just kind of looked around like... no, that doesn't really apply to me. Gross.) so in that frame of mind, I decided now is a good time to start writing a gratitude entry.
Let’s begin: I'm weirdly grateful for good friends and the sky. a week or so ago I convinced a few unsuspecting people, who have the misfortune of living around me, that the northern lights would be visible up in the mountains here in Logan (granted I did have a little bit of internet research to back me up). We didn't see any northern lights but the stars were amazing. At one point we saw a shooting star that was so bright that the two people who were still in the cab of the truck thought we were taking pictures with a camera. Yes, that bright. I guess for all it's faults, Logan sure does have a gorgeous night sky. That is, when it isn't covered in angry grey clouds that spend their days dumping precipitation of all horrible sorts on us all. And there I go complaining again. Vicious cycle. 
Alright: wanna hear a fun story? Ok. So I'm in an art history class, and the class itself isn't too bad. My professor makes sure to take the time to not only explain to us what the artwork is about, but also the whole story behind the culture of the time. Which is awesome because I love learning about Greek mythology. Wanna hear a reason that class isn't awesome? My professor is the most intimidating and high strung, 5'3 person I've ever met. Our classroom is an amphitheater of sorts, there are three sections of seating with rows in between them which sit on a gradual decline that leads to the front of the classroom where one would normally choose to reside when lecturing. But not her. No, when she's lecturing she walks around the room, up and down those two isles staring down whomever is brave enough to look her back in the eye. Now, normally I'm really, really bad with eye contact but for some reason the very first day in that class I decided I wasn't going to be the one who looked away from these impromptu staring contests. And I've actually been pretty good at holding to that. *pats self on back* Anyway, she's super high strung. This week our lectures have all been filed under "classical antiquities" which apparently means we're learning about the Greeks and their strange obsession with depicting naked bodies in marble. So I'm in class and there's a glaring collage of large marble statues baring... everything coming from the overhead projector which takes up the entire wall. My professor was on the other side of the room, staring down this hippie kid who is always late to class but he seems to know all the answers, which doesn't appear to sit well with my professor. At about this time the room was becoming a nice toasty temperature (the heater was on because it was unbelievably cold outside. I could see my breath at 5 in the afternoon. Not ok.) and I was doing my best to fight off sleep, so i decided to lean back in my chair. The chairs in this room have this handy bendy mechanism on it's back making stretching 110% more effective than normal hard boring chairs. Mid perfect stretch something falls out from under me and I hear a nice, loud snapping noise. My chair broke. Not only did I jerk back a little bit from the break-away but my entire row, of two ultra artsy girls and my cousin Ashley, shook as well. The two girls sitting a few seats down from me gasped and started talking slash giggling which so perfectly interrupted my high strung professor. She looked in our direction, stopped lecturing about the naked man on the projector and asked what our problem was. The girls next to me told her my chair broke at the same time that I, in my ever smooth state, decided the best way to down play the situation was to wave her question off and to tell her to keep on teaching and not worry about this. 
If I thought the room was toasty before my little charade, boy was I wrong. The weirdest part of it all is, I wasn't really that embarrassed by it.
Want to know something that I am a little embarrassed by? I'm slowly becoming a Maroon 5 fan. I never thought I'd say that. This is the third song by them I have gone out of my way to download within the past month. Ugh. but here it is. And unfortunately, it's good.  
Also, I tried really hard to use correct grammar in this post. Are you proud of me, Poppyseed?

Monday, September 26, 2011

procrastination casualties: art history paper number one.

so i'm supposed to be writing a 5-7 page essay on the greek sculpture "Locrian Pinax with a Goddess and a Boy Inside a Basket" from the first half of the 5th century B.C. that's due tomorrow.

yep, that's it right there. 

sounds thrilling, right? right. so of course, i'm writing a post. you're welcome, you and the-maria-who-is-going-to-be-up-until-three-am-finishing-this-i'm-so-sorry.

this week i've decided to be an adult and not miss any of my classes (no worries, mom. i haven't been missing any classes. at all. big smiles.). this is extremely difficult because i have an 8:30 am 2D design class. wanna know when i am the most creative? i can tell you it sure as heck isn't at eight freaking thirty in the morning. when i do make it to that class i've usually only snagged five hours of sleep, or less, so needless to say once i get there i need a massive wake-up slap in the face with a big side of an "attitude adjustment". today, on three and a half hours of sleep and two cookies for breakfast, i was in a particularly pleasant mood. (it's time i acknowledge the need a sarcastic font on this blog) we had an assignment due where we designed three separate monograms done in a business, wedding/flourished,and in our own creative fashion that we were critiquing in class. now, i've complained about this brilliant teacher before (he's the guy who thought my name was murry. and yes, it pains me to bring that up again.) and so today when he was supposed to be giving us "helpful" suggestions on how to make our monograms more concise and effective, i was a little put off when his suggestions were a little (or a lot) less than useful. by the time he was critiquing the fourth students work i was dumbfounded by the suggestions he was honestly trying to pass as "professor quality insights". naturally, i started writing taking notes of the most unhelpful critique suggestions he was giving out. are you ready for this? here we go, word for word.

-"i don't know what needs to be done but something's not right"
-"i might mess with it a little bit, but i don't know exactly how or something, i don't know, play around with it a little bit"
- (pointing to an obviously flawed and poorly executed design idea) "maybe just design this (motioning to the entire thing)... better.

i found myself sitting and staring at him with my mouth gaping open. his suggestions sounded like what would come out of my mouth if you stuck me in front of a white board full of scientific jargon and symbols explaining organic chemistry and asked me to critique it. completely amateur with zero insight, not something you'd expect to come from a university level professor. i'm pretty sure if i stood up on the spot i could think of loads more intelligent things to say about the projects, even in my current state of blind, tired anger.

anyway, on a related note: i've been slightly bitter and a little too complain-y lately. (as seen above and in the past few blog posts) and i kinda want to snap out of that. suggestions? pictures of kittens? anything?
maybe i'll start doing what a few other people do, dedicating a day to being thankful for things.
actually, i wanted to start a gratitude journal a while back and maybe this is just the excuse i need to get that done. alright, it's settled. i'll start doing that at least once a week.

wanna hear something else? so the other day i tried to remember all the dinners i'd made for myself over the past week and i couldn't think of a single meal. and then i realized i haven't been eating dinners. either i'm out and about where food is being served (crepe party on saturday night, anyone? ah it was SO good.) or i snack on stuff late enough at night that i don't quite get to that violent, empty pit feeling that my stomach usually sends my way once it starts eating itself. my most recent and favorite snack? ice. yes. i know i've already talked about my ice eating addiction but lately it's been substituting actual meals, which i really did not not see coming. but because of that guess who's lost another two pounds? the same girl who now has an even harder time keeper her pants from falling down. really though, that's five pounds this month in total. i'm now getting to the weight i was in high school, about five to six years ago. big smiles all around.

well, i've procrastinated my paper long enough, the Goddess and her boy in a basket are calling my name. it's time for me to go use my sparse english skills and uncanny word-vomit abilities in a productive way.

**paper update number one: it's now two hours after i posted this post aaand i've still yet to write a word of my essay. that is all.

Friday, September 23, 2011

dream log: number one

so i was going through my "drafts" on here (i'm way good at writing things and never posting them. way productive, i'm aware) and i ran into the following gem. the best part about rereading this dream i had on april 18, 2011 is i can still remember exactly what happened and what everything looked like just by reading this. conclusion: i love dreams.

dream log:
driving around town to meet up with my dad for a celebration
car full of kids
he decides on a chinese place so we go there and they give us complimentary food starters
so we eat them
i call my dad, he's changed locations and tells us just to leave
i tell the lady we have to go and she gets all suspicious and threatening, saying i can't leave until i order
so i try and sneak the kids out but all the chinese people have guns and they start shooting them
somehow the kids make it to my car, which is parked in an insane parking garage
i realize i left my purse
so i go back and they're all protecting the entrance with guns. so i bust out a bb gun and shoot them all, first try.
they get all sorts of impressed and when i go inside i decide to order something to prove i'm a stand up human being.

i would love to analyse this and figure out what it says about my view on guns and how i view myself. however, i don't know if i'm ready to know that.

also, new favorite song. you're probably all aware of this because i posted it on facebook earlier. i just can't help myself, it's SO good.

Monday, September 19, 2011

it's late, i took a sleeping pill, and i'm probably going to regret posting this tomorrow. so you should read this while you still can.

i have been fighting off writing about this for the past few days because i generally don't like to talk about stuff like this. i refuse to get too specific which leads people to ask me more questions (like that little sentence didn't spike curiosity. good one, maria.) but i feel like it's about time i said something. 

prayer works. there. i said it. 

as a few of you know, i've had an interesting couple of weeks that was even further complicated friday night. being the good little mormon that i am, i wrote a pleading email to my missionary brother for advice and ask him to say a few prayers on my behalf. i got his response on saturday morning and it totally made me giggle (especially because when i read his emails i can hear him actually saying those things in my head and it's a little weird to hear goofy, fro-headed him talking about spiritual things... but i digress) "i have been praying for you and i won't forget to further pray for you because i know without a doubt in my mind that prayer works."

by seven o'clock that night the things i'd asked jesse to pray about for me had already started to solve themselves. and here, only two days later, i have no doubt in my mind that certain things are in the workings to bring both his and my prayers completely to pass. 

there's a saying that my mom had hung up in our house when i was younger by gordon b hinkley
"when life gets too hard to stand kneel."
although i'd read that a million times i never really thought out it fully until recently. not only is that a simple way to state a simple truth but the english major in me love the saying as well because it's direct and creates a beautiful image in my mind.

being the stubborn child i am (i have a feeling i've already gone through this with you) i like to think that i can do things all on my own, when in reality, that's a stupid thing to think. i'm always praising technology because it makes the trivial things in life so much easier, when in reality, that's exactly what prayer is. i am baffled by people who insist on bypassing modern conveniences because it's so obvious that they're going to struggle  more when that's exactly what i'm doing to myself. 

i feel like this has only been a bunch of disconnected thoughts but i think that'll have to do because i'm on my lunch break from school and these ice cubes i'm eating (yes, i'm STILL eating ice cubes. don't get mad) aren't going to tie me over until 3:30. 

also, can i just say i'm SO excited for this week :) things are honestly looking up. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

things on my mind at this precise moment in time:

-i've run into problem number a million getting photoshop and illustrator back onto my computer. and i could not be more frustrated about it. because i haven't had photoshop for a few weeks now i haven't really felt compelled to work on my project 365, which in itself is a bummer because i'm already over two weeks behind. and i need illustrator to work on my 2D design prototype that's due monday. oh the joys of technology.
-i'm really good at writing, or so i'm told, but for some reason writing a 250-500 word personal essay on why i should be chosen to study abroad in Austria next semester is the hardest thing i've done all semester. probably because i want it so badly.
- for the first time in my life i wish i could just go out and work and not have to worry about school anymore. i had an opportunity to maybe work for verizon but i had to turn it down because it was 40+ hours a week, which is just not doable for a college kid. the training was going to be in denver for 6 weeks though. i still think that sounds amazing.
-i'm cold. it's cold outside. it's cold inside. i'm wearing pants and a sweatshirt and i'm still cold. speaking of  being cold though...
-the one good thing about having a phone that is constantly overheating (yes my new, new phone still overheats) is it's like i have a hot pad with me 24/7. the one (of many) bad things about it though, is it's like i have a hot pad in my pocket, 24/7. it burns.
-i've written three blog posts in the past week and i've only finished and published one of them. i should really start actually following through with what i start.
-every time i tell people where i live i feel like i say oakritch instead of oakridge. other things i say weird: apparently my own name belongs on that list. my 2D design teacher thought i said my name was murry. so that's fun. but then again, he didn't know left from right or how to pronounce ambiguous so i guess i shouldn't take it too seriously.
-at first i was extremely apprehensive of my 3D design class. i'm good at thinking things up but not so much at turning those thoughts into actually objects. but within these two shorts weeks it's easily become my favorite class however it's already caused me a lot of pain. first i was covered in burns from rushing with a hot glue gun and now i'm suffering from minor cuts and blisters all over my hands from making a wire rendering of my toy film camera. don't worry though, it was all worth it. the camera turned out great. want to see it? ok.
that wire camera is exactly 3 times bigger than the original (as seen to the right). now i have limited to zero spacial skills so the fact that the wire camera turned out exactly three times bigger makes me feel all warm and happy inside. 

well katrina is finally home which means i don't have to write in here anymore to simulate actual human interaction so i think this post is finally done. 
p.s. sorry these always seem to be so long. that is never my intention. promise. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

a jumbled mess of non-liner thoughts.

hi. it's been a while. i didn't want to post anything until i recapped my "beda" project but i've had a burst of inspiration so i'm thinking i can make an exception. (plus from the way things are going i'm probably never going to post day 31. slacker)

so something pretty life altering happened to me a few days ago (no, it wasn't me turning 22, although that came in close second.) that's had me questioning all sorts of things about myself as a human being, the standards i hold myself to, and the impression i give off to others. after taking a step back and evaluating these things i realized i didn't really like what i saw, and i started feeling a little bummed out. usually when i start feeling this way my first reaction is either one of two things; word vomit about it in every way possible to everyone and anyone who will listen like on facebook, blogs, or even telling random strangers on the bus. the second way is i bottle it up inside and refuse to talk about it with anyone. this instance has me resorting to the latter. but. tonight i encountered some dialogue a young man, about my age, put out into the internet that i feel applies to my current situation and it's got me ready to talk some things out.

his words were mostly directed at those who are having a kind of "down" day and how to combat that, and although i wouldn't limit my current less than perfect mood to just a day, i feel it still applies. his first example is: when you're feeling down the worst thing to do is lounge around and attempt to sleep it off. now i'm not a very good example of this because my number one way of coping is to sleep forever. and ever. and then sleep some more. case and point: i took a five hour nap today. not good. what i should have done was go on a bike ride, with camera in tow exposing myself to as much sun, life, and beauty as possible. by letting myself stay cooped up in my room i'm letting these negative feelings fester. that's the last thing anyone needs when trying to repair themselves.

the second thing he said was: take a notebook or a sketch pad and just write down all your worries and concerns and then throw it away. "as soon as it hits the paper it's not in your brain anymore. it can still be a problem but let it go. don't just let it fester in your brain, try and fix it. don't try and sleep it off thinking "i'll do it tomorrow" today is that tomorrow. i want you to get up and go talk about it. i bet someone else is feeling that same way." now i love this idea, not only because i'm really good at word vomiting, as i mentioned before, and i can seriously write pages and pages of initial thoughts while trying to think things out. about 99% of the things we let occupy our minds are things from the past or future that we can't immediately affect in the present. it is far better to learn how to let those things go and instead focus on how to improve your current state of being, today.

sorry if this is a jumbled mess of non-liner thoughts, i was trying to piece together all the thoughts i have swirling around in my head, if for no other reason than to try and better understand myself and hopefully snap myself out of this never ending funk.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

i played russian rulette today with the bus system. and won.

so for some reason i waited way too long to write this post and i'm freaking exhausted so you're going to get the condensed version of my day, which is such a bummer because i actually have fun things to tell you.

*i had the pleasure of working from 9-2 this morning and during that time i got to help a sweet old couple pick out some glasses and i repaired another older man's frames. working with the elderly has helped me realize a few things: agility is a luxury we all take for granted, and a steady hand is priceless. the older gentleman who's frames i was fixing had such horrible shaky hands that when i wasn't having him take his glasses off and on, which seemed cruel but was necessary, he had his hands constantly resting on his face because it was the only way he could keep the steady. now, i don't know if it was because i was sleep deprived and my body didn't know how to handle itself being awake at such normal hours, but seeing that man struggle to control his own hands really stuck with me. there's something so unjust in seeing those who have lived three to four times as long as me, struggle to perform the most basic of functions like walking, talking, or even signing their names. but on to less serious things...

*i'm taking space exploration. after spending an hour and a half in that classroom i still can't even tell you what it's about but i can tell you a few things:

  • first: i made the mistake of sitting way too far back in the classroom so i had the hardest time hearing (oh, didn't i tell you? i'm going deaf. yeah, this isn't a joke. yeah, i'm bummed. and yeah, it really interferes with my social life but that is a story for another time.). also, i just so happened to sit by two groups of friends who picked today from 3:00-4:15 to hold a friend reunion, which is exactly when that class was going. that is one of my all time biggest pet peeves! if you're in an area that people had to pay to get into with the sole purpose of listening, watching and learning something DON'T FREAKING TALK. so rude.)
  • second: the air conditioning doesn't work in that room. it's amazing to me how hard it is to learn when you're sweating.
  • third: the teacher is from germany and the whole time i had to fight the urge to raise my hand and tell him my brother was currently in germany and so me and him now had this special (and totally nonexistent) bond that would surely get me an A.
  • fourth: speaking of my professor, he kinda looks like this guy and he most definitely says "NASA" just like Arnold Schwarzenegger would. i stifled a giggle every time he said it. 

  • five: there's a girl who was in my creative arts class last year who, in a crowd of 800 students, laughed so distinctly and so annoyingly that everyone could hear her. that same girl is in my space exploration class. except now instead of being in a concert hall we're in a small classroom of 75 students. this is a huge problem. 
  • six: my space exploration class is full of artists and english majors. my professor brought that up to assure us that there won't be any math in the class. he quickly realized what he was implying and tried his hardest to back out of the insult. it's a good thing all the considerate people around me were talking otherwise he probably would have been able to hear me laughing at him. and that would have made a poor first impression.
  • seven: one of our class's course objectives is to be able to think more skeptically and question what we're told by the media and other "professionals". that point alone made me want to stand up and give him a good old fashioned slow clap.  

wow, i really did not mean to write so much about my space exploration class. i do have one more story for you though:
basically i played russian rulette today with the bus system. i get out of my art history class (which i'm still unsure if i like or not) at 5:45 and the shuttle that normally takes me home stops running at 5, which i totally forgot about. so i was sitting on the bench at the bus stop, contemplating whether i wanted to walk home (i had a miagrane at this point from boiling to death in my previous class and from being hungry. oh and i was wearing flip flops like the good college student that i am) or take the evening shuttle. now, i knew there was an evening shuttle than ran from 5-7:30 but i hadn't ever really paid attention to exactly where it went. tired, hungry and grumpy me decided to take the shuttle. as i got on we started taking a route i wasn't familiar with and i still wasn't convinced that it would ever take me home. i felt like i was gambling or something, the closer we got towards my apartment complex the more compelled i felt to get off at each stop because i didn't know if there was even another stop after that or if i'd be dragged back to campus, left to walk home like before only after losing half an hour. but being the brave soul that i am, i stuck it out. luckily, this was a gamble that totally paid off.
i learned a lot of things today: sitting in the front is essential, i never want to get old, and apparently, i'm really good at gambling.

wow, longest post ever. which is so weird because on a scale of one to ten, i am just plain tired. (because i have to wake up in 5 hours, i didn't proofread this post. so forgive me for any and all run on sentences and misspelled words. it's been a long day.)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

so turns out i overreacted.

so, you guys. the semester has officially started and here are a few thoughts i had during the day.

one: i hate waking up at 7 AM. i feel like it's high school all over again.
two: it's fun seeing people from the english program around campus and getting to explain to them why i'm not in any of their classes anymore. i saw like five of them but only talked to two of them.
two part b: it's a pleasant surprise to me when people whom i think barely remember me end up recognizing me and deeming me worthy to sit and talk to for fifteen minutes in front of the tsc. like camille from my technical writing courses.
two part c: it's also fun to explain to people in all  my art classes that i'm technically not an art major yet. (i still hate saying art major out loud)
three: today in institute my teacher, brother allen, was going around the room asking everyone their name and where they were from. when he got to me and i told him my full name he said he had a story about me. my initial response? "oh yeah? *insert sarcastic smile*". his response, "yep, i used to have a huge crush on you." turns out he did. there was this girl who was writing him on his mission named maria wilson who he had a huge crush on but she married some other guy. so he's convinced i've been sent to his class to torment him... or something.
four: i was sitting in the shade and a random girl i don't know sat next to me and decided to become my friend. her name was ellie and she had impecable style and taste.
five: i met another girl today who is allergic to the cold. that's 3 people i've met allergic to cold and zero like me, who are allergic to heat. one in a million
six: is it bad of me to constantly be surprised when people are friendly or selfless? because i am.
six: i looove seeing all the new freshies freak out and not know how the shuttle works. yes children, we wait here in a LINE for our turns. no you may not huddle around the door to try and squeeze your way in first. yes, you're allowed to sit right next to a stranger. yes, squeeze back means you don't leave any breathing room between you and the two strangers around you. honestly.
SEVEN!: as most of you saw on facebook, because that's how you even got to this blog in the first place, my new glasses came. at first i was terrified of just how intense they are but they've now come to grow on me. and i'm already quite fond of them.

overall today was a success. i woke up on time. i found my classes easy enough. my teachers are relaxed. the classes are cake. everything is going to be ok.

facebook has started doing this thing where it posts your status updates from the year before in the left column to enhance your already self centered social network experience. these were the updates facebook showed me today:

On This Day In 2010

Maria Wilsonactual dinner attempt number one: failure. you win this round hunger.

Maria Wilsonis already missing the st.george heat. i am doomed.
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first, i would like to let you know dinner hasn't won since that first night when i tried to make noodles and it turned out as soup. ick. as proof of that: i spent $65 in groceries today, all of which i know how to successfully incorporate into a meal. yes, you may applaud now.
(speaking of me spending $65, me and katrina play this game every time we grocery shop to see who can spend the least amount of money. without fail, i win. even when i buy eye liner for $8 i still win. it's just one of my gifts. and it drives trina crazy)
second: i still miss the st.george heat. i don't think i will ever truly get over this.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

commence putting on big girl pants: now.

today has been hard. not the type of hard that wednesday was where i was moving all my belongings in the heat of noon with nothing in my stomach but a few bottles worth of water and ice. i mean mentally hard. and i'm honestly not even sure why.

church was awesome, seeing friendly faces sitting in the pews instead of the stranger's i've sat next to for the past three months was refreshing. almost like coming home. but almost instantly after church was over i started feeling a massive ball of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach. and once again, i'm not sure why. i'm not as prepared for school to start as i usually am and that might have something to do with it. i don't have any text books yet, i haven't purchased any of the required supplies, and i'm not 100% sure where my classes are (although i do know they are all in the farthest corner of campus. yay.) i guess all around i've had too much fun being free this summer, i'm not quite ready to give that up for procrastination and sleep deprivation.

today in church i swear all the talks were geared towards me. one girl talked on how faith, hope and charity go hand in hand. another talk was on the blessings that come to us from institute and the last talk was given by our bishop on going to your heavenly father when in need. now, since the majority of you who read this know me pretty well, you know that i can be stubborn at times and downright unreasonable at others. i'm severely independent and can probably count on one hand how many times i've asked for outside help. in my life. so hearing the bishop give a talk on asking for help really felt directed completely at me. he told a story that i really liked that i'll sum up for you guys.

there was a young boy who was asked to help his father clear out a spot in their backyard for a garden. the boy was excited that his dad had trusted him enough to ask him and so he started out clearing weeds and moving rocks with zeal. however, he came to a huge rock right in the middle of the plot and no matter how much he dug, or pushed, or pulled he couldn't get it to move. after quite a while of this he went to his dad, head hung in defeat and said "i've tried everything and i can't get this rock to move." his dad put his hand on the young boy's shoulder and said "son, you haven't tried everything. you haven't asked me yet."

it wasn't until this year at school that i felt i was faced with challenges that i honestly couldn't pull off on my own. while living at home i always knew i had a set of parents and a few close friends who would drop everything they were doing if i expressed sincere need for it. but up here everyone is on their own. it's in times when i feel like i can't physically do it or that there's not enough hours in the day, that i need to set my pride aside and look up.

sheesh, i am sorry, two deep personal posts in one week's time. i promise you guys, this won't be a habit. i just need to buck up and embrace time moving forward and my opportunities for personal growth and stop complaining. commence putting on big girl pants: now.

wanna hear what i've been listening to today to calm myself?

seriously, you guys, this soundtrack is golden.

well i have an 8:30 class in the morning, which are words i never thought i'd say, so i'm going to do my best to get myself in bed before midnight tonight. i honestly don't even know the last time i was in bed before two let alone midnight. we'll see how well this semester pans out.

i'm (sorry) tired (sorry) and (sorry) not (sorry) sorry.

oh man, you guys. today has been a weird day. i was up by 7 this morning and to work by 8 with only three hours of sleep under my belt. i've really got to stop doing that. work was a blasty (sarcaaasm) and super busy. while at work i had this burst of inspiration to write about how much i enjoyed where i worked, the amazing people i worked with, and the growth and opportunities this job has given me (not sarcasm) but i'm tired and my brain is basically scrambled eggs right now(speaking of which i still haven't gone grocery shopping since moving in to this place. i've been living off cereal, hot pockets and apple sauce. someone kick my butt in gear. also my horrible diet also explains why i woke up to a charlie horse in my left calf earlier today. does that ever happen to anyone else? just me? awesome. ) because i accidentally took a 4 hour nap (am i allowed to call it a nap when it's longer than the amount of sleep i got the night before? anyone?) (also i feel like this post was mostly my thoughts instead of an actually coherent post. apologies again.) so i think i'll do it later. which means it probably won't happen because school starts monday and i only have three more days before i'm free of this project. can i get a hallelujah! AMEN. (that wasn't supposed to be caps but i think it really adds, so i'm leaving it.)

this is a way low energy post and i literally felt compelled to write "apologies" and "i'm sorry" after every sorry excuse for a sentence i wrote in here but then i got all prideful and defensive and convinced myself i don't have to apologize for the low quality of work i'm putting out there of my own free will (which is totally me in denial. because i really should apologize. so, sorry)

wanna hear something i'm ashamed of? i actually like this song.

i used to despise john mayer, especially after that daughters song and your body is a wonderland. gag. buuut this. i like this. please don't judge me. 

after writing this post the word sorry looks soooo weird. 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

story time: pictures lost, pictures saved.

at 3:40 AM yesterday morning i decided to take the pictures i've been saving on my camera for the past month and put them onto my laptop so i could actually do something with them. i'm quite behind on my project 365, we won't calculate just how far behind i am though, and i thought last night was as good of a time as any to start working on that. i told my SD card to cut and paste the pictures to my laptop as i left my room to go brush my teeth. when i came back it said it was done and so i checked the laptop folder to start sorting them. it was empty. i checked the SD card. it was empty. somehow, instead of pasting the pictures to a place i could access my computer managed to delete all 230 of the pictures i had saved up. that's a month's worth of pictures. i went into freak out mode. worst sinking feeling ever. there were quite a few pictures on that card that i'd taken in st.george that i was really proud of and excited to edit. luckily though, i'd been through this sort of thing before last thanksgiving when my laptop decided it was tired of having years worth of documents (poetry, short stories, essays, etc) stored on it and so it deleted them all and i managed to get about 2/3 of that work back. by the time 4:30 rolled around i had successfully recovered all 230 pictures, with only six to ten of them having any sort of irreversible damage. like this one:

this is actually one of the few pictures i was excited for. i guess i'll just have to go back and take more. 

p.s. remember how i have that weird ice thing? well i made some ice yesterday and only gave it an hour or two to freeze and this is what happened:

the ice was hollow on the inside and full of water. how awesome is that!? it made biting into it fun. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

my comforter.

a year ago today i was sitting on my bed, in my parent's basement, with all my belongings in boxes and piles all over the room. it was the day before i was moving to college and i was all sorts of confused. i'm normally not the biggest fan of change, and i wasn't looking forward to leaving my family. however, i knew how intensely unhappy i was in my current situation and instead of complaining about it, like i'm prone to do, i decided to add 400 miles and a few thousand dollars to the mix and change everything about it. that night as i sat in my bed full of dread and frantic anticipation i wrote the following words. i never really planned on anyone reading them before, but i figure it's been long enough now that i think i can share this:
Tonight is one of many lasts as I start this new chapter in my young adult life. I’ve spent the past two days packing up all my precious things from sweat shirts to old journals into brown boxes to take to college. I know college is supposed to be exciting but I can’t help but feel a little lost seeing my sanctuary in such a bare state. I’ve never seen my closet so empty, or my walls so bare and I’m not sure I approve. I’ve known for months that this day was coming. I made a promise to myself that I was going to move away to do some growing up but now that this day has come, I can’t help but feel saddened by it. 
For the past two years I’ve gone through some pretty good and pretty horrible times; I graduated from high school, I started college, I had my heart ripped out, I’ve felt more alone than I ever thought possible, and I’ve come back from it, slowly but surely healing each broken part of me.  There were times I felt like my pain would start to stitch itself up only to be ripped open, never to fully heal. But finally I feel like those wounds are no longer gaping and half-open, but healed completely with maybe a scar or two to remind me just how far I've come.
And through that painful healing process I've had one sure sanctuary, this room. I’ve spent ten years getting everything about it just right, from the pictures on the walls to the color of the sheets. I felt like my room was an extension of myself, my creativity. I've spent many mornings on my floor in front of my full length mirror following makeup tutorials to get my eyes just right. I’ve sat for countless hours in my Papasan chair with my laptop surfing the web and editing my photography. I’ve spent way too many hours in my perfect, oh, my famously comfortable bed reading thousands of pages, sleeping in way too late, and dreaming. I’ve had the most perfect dreams here, of love and loss and occasionally lucidity. I’ve spent many nights with my blinds open, staring at the moon and stars through my window only to fall asleep in the moon’s light, and eventually be woken up by that same open window and the morning sun’s heat upon my face.
Whenever I was asked where I’d want to be most, where I felt the most safe and comfortable, I would always think of my room. I know I’m moving on to hopefully better my life but I can’t help but feel a little bit of sorrow that my greatest comforter can’t come with me. 

(pretend you can't see me in that mirror- pre losing 20 lbs. yikes)