Saturday, November 8, 2008

i just want to be happy.

i don't get it. what is it that makes us crave the attention of our peers? we'll even put up with ones we don't care for, just so we have someone. is being alone really that bad? why is it that ostricisim can drive otherwise perfectly normal people to suicide?
does it really matter?
are these fake relationships really important?
well apparently so.
these past few months have proven my point.

Monday, November 3, 2008

i think i'm growing up.

My heart hurts today. Bad. And it's not from anything I've done, or anything that was done to me. I hurt for what other people are doing to each other. I hurt for the old man I saw at my work today. He was wandering down the hall, hunched over, head twitching from his tremor, white hair in his eyes, pale. Thin. Frail. He kind of half smiled at me and I did my best to smile in return. It was hard to smile back though, because his efforts to smile at me just made me hurt worse.
I was at college today working on stupid CIS. Usually that puts me in an angry mood so anything even remotely tied to sympathy has no place in the front of my mind, but today I guess it was different. I was looking around at people, which I have a tendency to do out of curiosity and procrastination. And I just started hurting again. Everyone I saw looked like they were at the end of their ropes. There was a young mother there. She had a newborn and a toddler with her. The new born was not excited about being there; I knew this because I could hear the baby screaming through my already loud music. I wanted to go help her. Her face looked so worn and tired, and her little girl looked like she just wanted a single hug from her mother. I was so tempted to go up and ask her if she needed help but she left suddenly. She had only been there five minutes.
I was watching a popular tv show yesterday. It's usually one of my favourites, in my top five at least. But I was having a hard time getting into it. The main character has a social awkwardness about him that he's not aware of and the way he treats other people is only acceptable because it's a tv show, it's not real. But I guess I forgot about that invincible tv show rule because everything he did to everyone just made me hurt worse. There was a look on this woman's face the whole half an hour that was ripping at my heart. I finally changed the channel.
I've been thinking a lot lately about people. Why do we only accept the few that we do? What makes us "hate" someone we don't know? Why do we have cliques? Why are there certain people designated to be left behind? Why do we hate?
I'm not going to lie, I've done my share of laughing, excluding, making fun of, and poking fun but it's been a while. I mean, I've been out of sixth grade for... what… seven years now? I just really don't understand. I'm finding that out more and more lately. There is too much in this world that I don't understand. It's like I'm realizing this all at once and believe me, it's a tough pill to swallow. I find myself thinking more these past months than I have in my entire life. I never knew thoughts produced so many tears, but mine seem to.
Although I am one of the most pro-personal space people out there, I find myself fighting the urge to the lonely, picked on ones I see at the college everyday. Maybe it's because I'm finding out more and more of what I have in common with them. Maybe I'm trying to prepare myself for what seems like the inevitable. Whatever it is I can't say I hate it. This new empathy I'm experiencing is, believe it or not, a good thing. I just wish it all wouldn't hit me so fast. As hard as I try, I can't cry for everyone at once.