procrastination casualties: art history paper number one.

so i'm supposed to be writing a 5-7 page essay on the greek sculpture "Locrian Pinax with a Goddess and a Boy Inside a Basket" from the first half of the 5th century B.C. that's due tomorrow.

yep, that's it right there. 

sounds thrilling, right? right. so of course, i'm writing a post. you're welcome, you and the-maria-who-is-going-to-be-up-until-three-am-finishing-this-i'm-so-sorry.

this week i've decided to be an adult and not miss any of my classes (no worries, mom. i haven't been missing any classes. at all. big smiles.). this is extremely difficult because i have an 8:30 am 2D design class. wanna know when i am the most creative? i can tell you it sure as heck isn't at eight freaking thirty in the morning. when i do make it to that class i've usually only snagged five hours of sleep, or less, so needless to say once i get there i need a massive wake-up slap in the face with a big side of an "attitude adjustment". today, on three and a half hours of sleep and two cookies for breakfast, i was in a particularly pleasant mood. (it's time i acknowledge the need a sarcastic font on this blog) we had an assignment due where we designed three separate monograms done in a business, wedding/flourished,and in our own creative fashion that we were critiquing in class. now, i've complained about this brilliant teacher before (he's the guy who thought my name was murry. and yes, it pains me to bring that up again.) and so today when he was supposed to be giving us "helpful" suggestions on how to make our monograms more concise and effective, i was a little put off when his suggestions were a little (or a lot) less than useful. by the time he was critiquing the fourth students work i was dumbfounded by the suggestions he was honestly trying to pass as "professor quality insights". naturally, i started writing taking notes of the most unhelpful critique suggestions he was giving out. are you ready for this? here we go, word for word.

-"i don't know what needs to be done but something's not right"
-"i might mess with it a little bit, but i don't know exactly how or something, i don't know, play around with it a little bit"
- (pointing to an obviously flawed and poorly executed design idea) "maybe just design this (motioning to the entire thing)... better.

i found myself sitting and staring at him with my mouth gaping open. his suggestions sounded like what would come out of my mouth if you stuck me in front of a white board full of scientific jargon and symbols explaining organic chemistry and asked me to critique it. completely amateur with zero insight, not something you'd expect to come from a university level professor. i'm pretty sure if i stood up on the spot i could think of loads more intelligent things to say about the projects, even in my current state of blind, tired anger.

anyway, on a related note: i've been slightly bitter and a little too complain-y lately. (as seen above and in the past few blog posts) and i kinda want to snap out of that. suggestions? pictures of kittens? anything?
maybe i'll start doing what a few other people do, dedicating a day to being thankful for things.
actually, i wanted to start a gratitude journal a while back and maybe this is just the excuse i need to get that done. alright, it's settled. i'll start doing that at least once a week.

wanna hear something else? so the other day i tried to remember all the dinners i'd made for myself over the past week and i couldn't think of a single meal. and then i realized i haven't been eating dinners. either i'm out and about where food is being served (crepe party on saturday night, anyone? ah it was SO good.) or i snack on stuff late enough at night that i don't quite get to that violent, empty pit feeling that my stomach usually sends my way once it starts eating itself. my most recent and favorite snack? ice. yes. i know i've already talked about my ice eating addiction but lately it's been substituting actual meals, which i really did not not see coming. but because of that guess who's lost another two pounds? the same girl who now has an even harder time keeper her pants from falling down. really though, that's five pounds this month in total. i'm now getting to the weight i was in high school, about five to six years ago. big smiles all around.

well, i've procrastinated my paper long enough, the Goddess and her boy in a basket are calling my name. it's time for me to go use my sparse english skills and uncanny word-vomit abilities in a productive way.

**paper update number one: it's now two hours after i posted this post aaand i've still yet to write a word of my essay. that is all.

dream log: number one

so i was going through my "drafts" on here (i'm way good at writing things and never posting them. way productive, i'm aware) and i ran into the following gem. the best part about rereading this dream i had on april 18, 2011 is i can still remember exactly what happened and what everything looked like just by reading this. conclusion: i love dreams.

dream log:
driving around town to meet up with my dad for a celebration
car full of kids
he decides on a chinese place so we go there and they give us complimentary food starters
so we eat them
i call my dad, he's changed locations and tells us just to leave
i tell the lady we have to go and she gets all suspicious and threatening, saying i can't leave until i order
so i try and sneak the kids out but all the chinese people have guns and they start shooting them
somehow the kids make it to my car, which is parked in an insane parking garage
i realize i left my purse
so i go back and they're all protecting the entrance with guns. so i bust out a bb gun and shoot them all, first try.
they get all sorts of impressed and when i go inside i decide to order something to prove i'm a stand up human being.

i would love to analyse this and figure out what it says about my view on guns and how i view myself. however, i don't know if i'm ready to know that.

also, new favorite song. you're probably all aware of this because i posted it on facebook earlier. i just can't help myself, it's SO good.

it's late, i took a sleeping pill, and i'm probably going to regret posting this tomorrow. so you should read this while you still can.

i have been fighting off writing about this for the past few days because i generally don't like to talk about stuff like this. i refuse to get too specific which leads people to ask me more questions (like that little sentence didn't spike curiosity. good one, maria.) but i feel like it's about time i said something. 

prayer works. there. i said it. 

as a few of you know, i've had an interesting couple of weeks that was even further complicated friday night. being the good little mormon that i am, i wrote a pleading email to my missionary brother for advice and ask him to say a few prayers on my behalf. i got his response on saturday morning and it totally made me giggle (especially because when i read his emails i can hear him actually saying those things in my head and it's a little weird to hear goofy, fro-headed him talking about spiritual things... but i digress) "i have been praying for you and i won't forget to further pray for you because i know without a doubt in my mind that prayer works."

by seven o'clock that night the things i'd asked jesse to pray about for me had already started to solve themselves. and here, only two days later, i have no doubt in my mind that certain things are in the workings to bring both his and my prayers completely to pass. 

there's a saying that my mom had hung up in our house when i was younger by gordon b hinkley

"when life gets too hard to stand kneel."

although i'd read that a million times i never really thought out it fully until recently. not only is that a simple way to state a simple truth but the english major in me love the saying as well because it's direct and creates a beautiful image in my mind.

being the stubborn child i am (i have a feeling i've already gone through this with you) i like to think that i can do things all on my own, when in reality, that's a stupid thing to think. i'm always praising technology because it makes the trivial things in life so much easier, when in reality, that's exactly what prayer is. i am baffled by people who insist on bypassing modern conveniences because it's so obvious that they're going to struggle  more when that's exactly what i'm doing to myself. 

i feel like this has only been a bunch of disconnected thoughts but i think that'll have to do because i'm on my lunch break from school and these ice cubes i'm eating (yes, i'm STILL eating ice cubes. don't get mad) aren't going to tie me over until 3:30. 

also, can i just say i'm SO excited for this week :) things are honestly looking up. 

things on my mind at this precise moment in time:

-i've run into problem number a million getting photoshop and illustrator back onto my computer. and i could not be more frustrated about it. because i haven't had photoshop for a few weeks now i haven't really felt compelled to work on my project 365, which in itself is a bummer because i'm already over two weeks behind. and i need illustrator to work on my 2D design prototype that's due monday. oh the joys of technology.
-i'm really good at writing, or so i'm told, but for some reason writing a 250-500 word personal essay on why i should be chosen to study abroad in Austria next semester is the hardest thing i've done all semester. probably because i want it so badly.
- for the first time in my life i wish i could just go out and work and not have to worry about school anymore. i had an opportunity to maybe work for verizon but i had to turn it down because it was 40+ hours a week, which is just not doable for a college kid. the training was going to be in denver for 6 weeks though. i still think that sounds amazing.
-i'm cold. it's cold outside. it's cold inside. i'm wearing pants and a sweatshirt and i'm still cold. speaking of  being cold though...
-the one good thing about having a phone that is constantly overheating (yes my new, new phone still overheats) is it's like i have a hot pad with me 24/7. the one (of many) bad things about it though, is it's like i have a hot pad in my pocket, 24/7. it burns.
-i've written three blog posts in the past week and i've only finished and published one of them. i should really start actually following through with what i start.
-every time i tell people where i live i feel like i say oakritch instead of oakridge. other things i say weird: apparently my own name belongs on that list. my 2D design teacher thought i said my name was murry. so that's fun. but then again, he didn't know left from right or how to pronounce ambiguous so i guess i shouldn't take it too seriously.
-at first i was extremely apprehensive of my 3D design class. i'm good at thinking things up but not so much at turning those thoughts into actually objects. but within these two shorts weeks it's easily become my favorite class however it's already caused me a lot of pain. first i was covered in burns from rushing with a hot glue gun and now i'm suffering from minor cuts and blisters all over my hands from making a wire rendering of my toy film camera. don't worry though, it was all worth it. the camera turned out great. want to see it? ok.

that wire camera is exactly 3 times bigger than the original (as seen to the right). now i have limited to zero spacial skills so the fact that the wire camera turned out exactly three times bigger makes me feel all warm and happy inside. 

well katrina is finally home which means i don't have to write in here anymore to simulate actual human interaction so i think this post is finally done. 

p.s. sorry these always seem to be so long. that is never my intention. promise. 

a jumbled mess of non-liner thoughts.

hi. it's been a while. i didn't want to post anything until i recapped my "beda" project but i've had a burst of inspiration so i'm thinking i can make an exception. (plus from the way things are going i'm probably never going to post day 31. slacker)

so something pretty life altering happened to me a few days ago (no, it wasn't me turning 22, although that came in close second.) that's had me questioning all sorts of things about myself as a human being, the standards i hold myself to, and the impression i give off to others. after taking a step back and evaluating these things i realized i didn't really like what i saw, and i started feeling a little bummed out. usually when i start feeling this way my first reaction is either one of two things; word vomit about it in every way possible to everyone and anyone who will listen like on facebook, blogs, or even telling random strangers on the bus. the second way is i bottle it up inside and refuse to talk about it with anyone. this instance has me resorting to the latter. but. tonight i encountered some dialogue a young man, about my age, put out into the internet that i feel applies to my current situation and it's got me ready to talk some things out.

his words were mostly directed at those who are having a kind of "down" day and how to combat that, and although i wouldn't limit my current less than perfect mood to just a day, i feel it still applies. his first example is: when you're feeling down the worst thing to do is lounge around and attempt to sleep it off. now i'm not a very good example of this because my number one way of coping is to sleep forever. and ever. and then sleep some more. case and point: i took a five hour nap today. not good. what i should have done was go on a bike ride, with camera in tow exposing myself to as much sun, life, and beauty as possible. by letting myself stay cooped up in my room i'm letting these negative feelings fester. that's the last thing anyone needs when trying to repair themselves.

the second thing he said was: take a notebook or a sketch pad and just write down all your worries and concerns and then throw it away. "as soon as it hits the paper it's not in your brain anymore. it can still be a problem but let it go. don't just let it fester in your brain, try and fix it. don't try and sleep it off thinking "i'll do it tomorrow" today is that tomorrow. i want you to get up and go talk about it. i bet someone else is feeling that same way." now i love this idea, not only because i'm really good at word vomiting, as i mentioned before, and i can seriously write pages and pages of initial thoughts while trying to think things out. about 99% of the things we let occupy our minds are things from the past or future that we can't immediately affect in the present. it is far better to learn how to let those things go and instead focus on how to improve your current state of being, today.

sorry if this is a jumbled mess of non-liner thoughts, i was trying to piece together all the thoughts i have swirling around in my head, if for no other reason than to try and better understand myself and hopefully snap myself out of this never ending funk.