Things I am Unhappy About Being Bombarded By (Social Media Edition)

Over the past year or so I've become completely disenchanted with Facebook. Like, completely. I remember right after high school I could spend an embarrassing amount of hours on good old FB. It was basically an entirely different site back then. People used to post quality things like actual pictures of them having actual fun (this was before the popularization and normalization of the "selfie"), witty and original status updates, and exciting life accomplishments. Now, it's basically the opposite.

I've actually done something like this once before as a note on my Facebook page. But I feel like my complaints are all shiny and brand new so I, instead of cleaning my apartment tonight, I'm going to word vomit all my disgruntled feelings as a former satisfied Facebook user. Lets begin.

Things I am unhappy about being bombarded by:
Ill researched yet extremely strong biased opinions. This unfortunately includes but is not limited to; religious articles and quotes, news articles about the degenerate state of the world these days, and other malicious "us vs them" arguments. No one has ever changed a heart or a mind via internet argument. I do not think that is going to change today. All your doing is wasting time, energy, and creating enemies.

Shoddy quizzes from Buzzfeed (or anywhere really). Bad news, I don't really care about what type of dessert my "friend" would be at a vegan restaurant, or what song you would have been in the 90's. Actually no one cares. Only you. I feel like, as always, there are exceptions to this rule, like posting a result to a specific person's page because it has relevance in your friendship. Blah, blah that's fine.

Blatant plagiarization of another person's wit. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but if you're consistently posting funny content you find on the web as your own, without giving credit where credit is due, that is technically plagiarizing. And that makes me think less of you. Being a curator of humorous and joyful things is actually kind of hard. Many companies pay a lot of money to individuals who are able to collect things that the masses find funny. If you have that skill, own it. Just make sure you cite it.

Private matters (especially those surrounding children). Now, I'm a notoriously nosey person, ask anyone who has to deal with me on a personal level. But please, for everyone's sake, please stop posting about breast pumps, poopy diapers, and all other variations of real life bummers that include bodily fluids slash anything else you wouldn't feel comfortable explaining to the stranger next to you on the street. Just because you can't see the disgusted looks your post is receiving does not mean they're not there. To be clear, I am not a baby hater. In fact my field research on this topic shows that if you enjoy cute posts about non-poopy babies, you should give Instagram a try. Even if life isn't all glamorous and smiley babies, Instagram will make you think it is. And as your social media friend who doesn't have children, I can find peace in that.

Gratuitous amounts of unsolicited posts, events, and pages about this month's flavor of a thinly veiled pyramid scheme. I'm so happy that you've made money/lost weight/found your life's purpose, and I expect to hear a thing or two about it just by being in proximity to you. But I am a different person for whom that particular program wouldn't produce the same result, so please stop sending me personalized messages about it.

Inspirational quotes (usually from pinterest). This one is definitely more of a gray area for me for I do appreciate the written word, when written pithy and well, as much as the next person. And we all know I have a soft spot for good typography. However, that cliche, kitch post you pulled directly off of Pinterest's popular page doesn't need to be on facebook. We've already lamented the fact that we had to read it fifteen times on that site as each friend repinned it. It does not need to be shown to me again. Real talk: If you are feeling the compulsion to rapid fire self-help quotes to Facebook I think it's time to shut the laptop and get some certified help. There's no shame in that. I think your Facebook friends would much rather cheer for you and read your own heartfelt words than another "single girl power" or Marilyn Monroe quote.

Sponsored posts. Oh my gosh, the sponsored posts. This is what has made Facebook nearly unbearable. However, this is a problem that can only be fixed on a corporate level and is no fault of ours, dear Facebook friend. No wrongs will be righted by us on this front.

Alright, so secret time; I'm actually rooting for facebook's demise. I feel like the level of toxicity on this site is out of control and beyond help. They've done legit studies on this, with hypotheses, scientists, control groups and everything and they've discovered that the amount of time you're spending on Facebook is directly related to how depressed you are in real life. REAL LIFE! This site is no longer a conducive way for friends and family to stay in touch, but instead it's become a shoving match of biases, endless bragging, and the most pathetic pity parties.