commence putting on big girl pants: now.

today has been hard. not the type of hard that wednesday was where i was moving all my belongings in the heat of noon with nothing in my stomach but a few bottles worth of water and ice. i mean mentally hard. and i'm honestly not even sure why.

church was awesome, seeing friendly faces sitting in the pews instead of the stranger's i've sat next to for the past three months was refreshing. almost like coming home. but almost instantly after church was over i started feeling a massive ball of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach. and once again, i'm not sure why. i'm not as prepared for school to start as i usually am and that might have something to do with it. i don't have any text books yet, i haven't purchased any of the required supplies, and i'm not 100% sure where my classes are (although i do know they are all in the farthest corner of campus. yay.) i guess all around i've had too much fun being free this summer, i'm not quite ready to give that up for procrastination and sleep deprivation.

today in church i swear all the talks were geared towards me. one girl talked on how faith, hope and charity go hand in hand. another talk was on the blessings that come to us from institute and the last talk was given by our bishop on going to your heavenly father when in need. now, since the majority of you who read this know me pretty well, you know that i can be stubborn at times and downright unreasonable at others. i'm severely independent and can probably count on one hand how many times i've asked for outside help. in my life. so hearing the bishop give a talk on asking for help really felt directed completely at me. he told a story that i really liked that i'll sum up for you guys.

there was a young boy who was asked to help his father clear out a spot in their backyard for a garden. the boy was excited that his dad had trusted him enough to ask him and so he started out clearing weeds and moving rocks with zeal. however, he came to a huge rock right in the middle of the plot and no matter how much he dug, or pushed, or pulled he couldn't get it to move. after quite a while of this he went to his dad, head hung in defeat and said "i've tried everything and i can't get this rock to move." his dad put his hand on the young boy's shoulder and said "son, you haven't tried everything. you haven't asked me yet."

it wasn't until this year at school that i felt i was faced with challenges that i honestly couldn't pull off on my own. while living at home i always knew i had a set of parents and a few close friends who would drop everything they were doing if i expressed sincere need for it. but up here everyone is on their own. it's in times when i feel like i can't physically do it or that there's not enough hours in the day, that i need to set my pride aside and look up.

sheesh, i am sorry, two deep personal posts in one week's time. i promise you guys, this won't be a habit. i just need to buck up and embrace time moving forward and my opportunities for personal growth and stop complaining. commence putting on big girl pants: now.

wanna hear what i've been listening to today to calm myself?

seriously, you guys, this soundtrack is golden.

well i have an 8:30 class in the morning, which are words i never thought i'd say, so i'm going to do my best to get myself in bed before midnight tonight. i honestly don't even know the last time i was in bed before two let alone midnight. we'll see how well this semester pans out.