thankvember: the last day!

Tonight is one of those nights where I spend an hour getting lost on Wikipedia's dog breed pages.  I always end up with the Vizsla's though, reading about their sweet temperament and their "velcro" like tendencies and thinking of my own sweet Sadie.

Guys. I miss her. Reading about how vizsla's get so attached to their owners that they will have a tendency to lean on them, just to make sure they're always touching does this weird thing to me and I start smiling. Sadie does that and I love it.

Anyway, this is the last day of Thankvember and I've already been thankful for my little puppy on this list. so. Today I am thankful for my mother. After what was supposed to be a quick phone call to her to find out how to make sweet potatoes with marshmallows for only one person, I was reminded that in my haste to finish my list last night I completely forgot to include her. So here you are Mom, I am thankful for you.

But in all seriousness, she's pretty great. She has a gift for calling me when I can't talk and I have a tendency to call her only when I have a quick question and yet she still hangs in there. She's kind of a trooper and kind of the best.

overwhelmingly introspective.

hi.
so it's been a while. i want to say i'm not sure why that is, but i'm thinking life has something to do with it. honestly, so much has been going on, so many good memory worthy things that i regretfully keep forgetting to document them all.

in line with that, pretty sure the last time i wrote in here i was in austria. this is no longer the case. i'm happy to report that i made it home safe and sound and as jet lagged as ever. the transition from away to was unexpectedly smooth. i am continuously baffled at my ability to so immediately adapt to wherever i am.  baffled and grateful.

i'm feeling overwhelmingly introspective today. i can't tell if this feeling is rooted in regret or joy. or maybe it's a combination of the two.
see, i can't find a job. and austria didn't exactly leave me with an abundance of funds, surprisingly enough. so spending money even on food is extremely stressful.
on the other hand, life is so good, you guys. yesterday i was able to enjoy a visit from one of my good friends i made in austria. it's still so surreal to me that i spent 5 months of my life over there, expanding not only my view of the world but myself as an individual. i found myself getting sucked into looking at an album on facebook of a friend's pictures from abroad. i ache to go back. there's a fullness that accompanies an experience as big as that. that was one of the consequences of traveling that i was not expecting.

i've been lucky though. i don't pine for travel. i am content with where i am and who i'm with. but every few weeks or so, an introspective respite catches me off guard and i'm overtaken by gratitude and longing.
and that's where i am today.

maybe that's why i can't pinpoint what this feeling is inside me, because it's not one but two.

once again, i didn't really start writing this with a cohesive thought in mind. i just knew there were thoughts inside me that needed to be outside of me. i feel as though i've only been able to convey 10% of what i'm feeling, but i suppose that will have to do for now.

i put this song on to quell my heart while attempting to write everything i needed to, and after listening through it once i realized just how perfect it is for this moment.

"Setting fire to our insides for fun

To distract our hearts from ever missing them"

preemptive walk down memory lane.

i'm kind of at a loss here, guys. part of me has been feeling compelled to write in here for a good few weeks while the another part of me has been absolutely forbidding it. i only have a month left with time picking up speed each day, turning my mind into the very definition of conflict and confusion and therefore not really conducive for writing others would want to read (as you're about to find out).

i have so many things i'm looking forward to at home, like being reunited with my brother after a very long two years and a few exciting trips with people i have been really, really missing. but at the same time thinking about leaving this place makes me feel like frantically running around the city clinging to every surface possible.

i don't want to leave. i don't feel ready to say goodbye yet. there's so much i haven't seen, felt or eaten and to think of leaving before doing all that makes me feel like i'm never going to have an opportunity to.

but even beyond all that, i don't want to leave the people i've met here. guys, i've been so lucky. the branch here is full of such loving and giving members. if my belief in the christ-like nature that our church tries to instill in it's members was ever called to question, these people have more than validated it. i can't even imagine having to say goodbye to the missionary couple here, they've been like my european grandparents, always giving me a handshake and a hug every time they see me. not to mention the other friendships i've forged with the young single adults. every single one of them have been such a blessing in my life. to think that the time is coming where i won't get to see them every sunday, monday and thursday, or truthfully maybe ever again, is something i am having a hard time wrapping my head around. they've become such an anchor in my daily life that there is definitely going to be a gaping hole there once i leave.

i'm really going to miss planning elaborate trips that somehow end up happening. i'm going to miss friday night's dinner and a movie every weekend. i'm going to miss waiting for an extra 12-25 minutes at sillpark for my bus after FHE/JAE just so we can talk a little while longer. i'm going to miss watching ping pong games that seem to go on forever but always end up in consuming and infectious laughter. i'm just all around gong to miss getting to hang out with such amazing diverse people.

when i first signed up to come here i thought only of the experiences i was going to have, but i completely forgot to factor in the people who i was bound to care for way too much for my own good. 

  

i'm really going to miss these guys. 

2011: in review

So, it's January right? As I’ve already talked about, this year has been hectic from day one. Because of this I haven't really had time to reflect on 2011 as much as I would have liked. As I was moving back to St. George two days ago in my belonging-laden car, one of my new favorite songs started playing on my iPod. I found myself completely engulfed in just how good it was and I realized that not only was it one of my favorite songs of last year but that the whole album and artist were my favorites as well. And from this small thought a blog post was born! 

2011 favorites:

Artist: Greg Holden. he's a relatively small British artist who writes beautifully simple songs that suit his voice just perfectly. His album I don't believe you is all worth listening to but my favorite song is easily are we wasted:

(Because Greg is such an unknown artist this is the only version of this song I could find on YouTube.)

Honorable mentions: Broken Bells, Parachute, Adele, (I’m already shaking my head over this next one) Nicki Minaj, Florence and the Machine, and Emily Haines and the Soft Skeletal. 

Rediscovered artists: Jonezetta. I used to be a pretty big fan of these guys in high school buuut their newest album (which came out like mid 2009… and yes, I realize I’m way behind) has completely reconverted me. I’m a Jonezetta-liber once again. Favorite new song: paint and picture or cruel to be young. Favorite old song: communicate or backstabber. 

Album:  Ceremonials by Florence and the Machine. Favorite song: if only for a night. 

Honestly you guys, it’s one of those songs that every time I hear it I am required to turn my volume up as loud as I can stand it. It’s that good. Listen to it with headphones, trust me. 

Honorable mentions: I don't believe you by Greg Holden as stated above. The whole thing is worth listening to.

How to train your dragon OST. I fully realize that this came out in 2010 but 2011 is when I discovered it. You guys, I love this cd. I’ve always had this weird thing for Irish anything and this soundtrack manages to weave that Celtic feeling into each song so perfectly that it hushes my craving to someday see those Irish shores, if only for 24 3 minute periods. Favorite song? Forbidden friendship. I love this song so much that I based an entire art project around it. (haha if that wasn't the most pretentious thing I've said in a long time...)

Honorable, honorable mention:

Vices and Virtues by Panic! At The Disco. I just like the song ready to go, so I thought I’d throw this one out there in case you’re like me and you kind of forgot that Panic! At The Disco is still a thing.

Song: Always Remember Me by Ry Cumming. I'm still trying really hard to find someone who is willing to learn to play this on the guitar for me. Insta- Swoon.

Honorable mentions:

Replaced by Katie

What I know by Parachute

Never going back again by Fleetwood Mac

Crossfire by Brandon Flowers

Titanium by David Guetta ft Sia

Our hell by Emily Haines and the soft skeletal. 

Young blood by the naked and famous

Passenger’s Seat by Death Cab for Cutie (I realize this is an old song but I didn’t find out about it until about June-ish. not my fault I’m way behind.)

Artist I never thought I’d willingly put on my iPod: maroon 5. Stutter…. yes please. Also, moves like Jagger. I’m questioning all my own music taste at this point.

Honorable mention: John Meyer. Seriously, WHO AM I?!

Movie: if we're judging solely on the amount of times I’ve watched it, then my favorite has to be Easy A. however, I do claim The Fall as my favorite of the year. (However, I may have discovered this movie at the very end of 2010. eh. technicalities.)

Honorable mentions: 

Limitless- I loved the premise of this movie.

The Help- as much as I didn't want to let this movie affect me, it definitely did. Also, it has Emma Stone in it. LOOOOVE her.

Book: The Picture of Dorian Gray. Oscar Wilde is such a profound and talented writer and this book got me willing to attempt to love more classic works. 

Honorable mention: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Guys, I’m not even done with this book yet and I’m so totally in love with it. The writing is touching and beautiful and poetic. Jonathan Safran Foer is brilliant. 

New TV show: Modern Family. A girl I worked with finally got me to start watching this show and I instantly fell in love. It’s sassy, smart and entertaining, what more can you honestly ask for?

Honorable mention:

Raising Hope. The first time I watched this show I absolutely hated it. Ask Trina, I went off about how stupid it was for about ten minutes. For reasons unknown to me I attempted watching it again aaand it's now safe to say it's one of my favorites. If you like satirical humor about lower class white folk this show will definitely deliver. 

Person: Jk I couldn't do that. But Trina has put up with me for yet another year, which I feel definitely warrants recognition... just putting that out there. 

Best pet fish: Oscar. Hands down. 

Website: 750words.com, it's basically an online journal of sorts. It's based on the premise that it takes 750 words to get the creativity blood flowing through their fingers.  The creator of the website encourages his users to basically word vomit for 750 words, every single day. That's it. It’s nice, simple and private. best of all though, they take what you've written and they analyze it, telling you how fast you typed, how consistent your writing was, the content you wrote about (us, I, or them, or family vs. work, or past, present or future.) if you use the website as a brain dumping ground it's really eye opening to see exactly where your thoughts lie. 

Honorable mention: 

pinterest.com; those who know me, know how visual I am. I'm pretty sure one day I wished I could save everything I loved on the internet in one, visual spot, and somehow someone heard me and decided to call it Pinterest. And that's how it came to be. Pinterest helps me organize all the wonderful/weird things I find on the internet in one easy to see place. This helps to cut down on the number of tabs I have open on my browser at any given time, which apparently isn't normal if I am to judge based off people's reactions when I open my web browser. 

Web series: Very Mary Kate. I quote this, not even kidding, daily. Everything from "be quiet evil dragon, I'm trying to have a conversation *disgusted look*" to "my toes is froze, my nose is froze, and my kimono's froze" to "gross.com/stabmeintheheart.html" to "don't cry M cakes, it's gross" to "ooh Nana Troll Face will be thrilled." to "comet, comet, comet, comet, comet. Yay, I have an island!" to "'NYU? more like N-why are you yelling?' 'I'm not yellling.' 'Yes, you are you're so loud!' 'No, I'm not. I'm sure of it, I'm emotionally shut down.'" to "can you bring me a blanket? it's like really brrrrr in here" yes, I just pulled all of those from memory. I can watch her videos over and over and over again and they're still just as funny every time. 

Honorable Mention: I don't know if he counts but since this is my list I'm making it count; Peter Lee Johnson takes popular songs and plays them on his violin and then posts the songs to his youtube channel. And he's freaking good at it. I know I've posted some of his covers on here before but his music makes me so happy that I have no problem talking about it again. 

Picture: (to the right) This is one of the first pictures I took with my new lens. Everything about this makes me so happy, and that's what photography is supposed to do, right? Right.

Habit acquired: chewing ice. I feel bad for everyone who had to deal with me for the six months of this past year where chewing ice was my thing. So sorry Trina. 

Honorable mention: 

-Doing my nails. I never thought I’d be one of those girls who spends stupid amounts of time on her nails… but now I am. Still unsure how I feel about this.

-completely disregarding time. This is definitely one of the more dangerous, albeit freeing, habits that I've acquired in quite some time. 

Habit vanquished: Chewing Ice. Turns out I really was anemic and all it took was consistent dosage of a small white pill, once a day to rid me of it. Who knew, right?

Best decision: getting a job at Kiddie Kandids. Not only did I get a chance to work with some really great people who helped me learn a lot about what's important in life, but I also gained confidence in my own photography skills. This has already benefited me tremendously. Oh, and I earned money so I could continue... you know... living. 

Worst memory: losing my job in September. Looking back, I probably did the most growing as an adult in September; it was easily the most impacting month of the year for me. I met some of the greatest people in my daily life today back then and I also lost some of the most influential people in my life as well. I got a job that furthered my passions. And I took classes that solidified choices I was making with a career path in mind. Win some, lose some.

Best purchase: My lens; 50mm f/1.8. This baby has make it possible for me to take the shots I've been craving for over a year now. Everything is more crisp and a little closer to perfect. 

Honorable mention: stereo for my car. In July I broke down and spent about $100 on a sound system of sorts. It's not the best but it's definitely better than listening to the 75-ish CD mixes I burned in high school every time I drove back and forth from Logan to St.George. I used to listen to the weirdest stuff....

Worst decision: To bleach and re-dye my hair myself. I have too much hair and not enough patience for that to have turned out well. But I’m too cheap to go and have it professionally fixed so to this day I still have nice and patchy hair. Awesome. 

Honorable mention: to be the one with the utilities under my name at my apartment during the summer. My two old roommates still owe me a collective $140. That's an entire paycheck to me. This still bugs me daily. 

Biggest accomplishments: Losing weight. Yes, I realize that's such a girl thing to say, but it's the truth. Not only do I feel better physically but I feel better about myself mentally as well. 

More Life Altering Things: 

*Parent’s moving from the house I've lived in since I was seven. 

*In July my grandfather died. That was the first funeral I've ever been to for someone that I was not only close with but who had actually impacted my life as well. It was pretty rough. 

*Keeping a more consistent blog; I wrote nightly in a journal from the time I was 16 until I turned about 20 and started going through a rough patch that I didn't want to remember. Blogging has helped me write down and keep track of more of those memories I don't want to forget. 

*My roommate from last year, Katie Berryessa-now-Gish got married in June. 

Best realization: that I’ve finally overcome most of the short comings that have been holding me back since I was 14. I've managed to conquer unnecessary social fears I've been harboring for far too long. Also, my happy days have outweighed my stressed out days, and that is the most clear mark of a good year. I’ve done a lot of growing this year, a lot more than I was expecting out of my second year from school. 2011 has definitely been a year that I can look back on and see that the blessings have overwhelmingly outweighed the trials.  

a (very, very late) thanksgiving post.

wanna know something i'm weirdly good at? i've probably already written about this a time or two but i have this habit where i'll write a blog post at some stupid hour at night and because it's so late and i'm so tired, making useful revision nearly impossible, i have the good sense to save my post as a draft, telling myself i i will revise and post it the next day. aaaand i never do. the following writing is the product of that. i wrote this all last sunday and even though the context in which it was written isn't exactly relevant anymore i still feel like the post itself says something important therefore i'm sharing it with you all anyway. 

so about two minutes ago, as i was in my kitchen putting away my unsuccessful attempt at no bake cookies, i started thinking back on thanksgiving weekend that i was lucky enough to spend with my family and i felt compelled to write a little something about just how much i really do have to be grateful for.

family: i love having extended family whom i love and actually look forward to spending time with. i know so many people who either hate or don't feel comfortable with their aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins. i love that, through out my life my immediate family has made it a priority in my life to forge friendships with my extended family. i'm also grateful for such an enjoyable immediate family. weston is such a kidder. brooke is the epitome of being a carefree child. christee is the best example. my mom is the most giving and service oriented person i know. my father is such a personification of integrity and such a great example to me of who i want to become. and, of course, jesse is my best friend.

our little family photoshoot that we did over thanksgiving break. jesse made a guest appearance. it was a holiday miracle!

i'm grateful to have been blessed with the gift of perspective. i have no doubt in my mind that that's why i was able to avoid making some of the bad choices i was faced with in high school and why i can so easily handle hardship now. i know that all the uncomfortable situations i find myself in are but a small moment. now if only i could apply that same thought process to binge eating half set up no bake cookies i'd be set.

i'm grateful for my roommate and friend, katrina. i know so many people who end up hating their best friends after living with them but i can honestly say, even after a year and a half, i've never regretted living with katrina. not even for a second. if anything i'm pretty sure she got the short end of the stick. i'm always joking about how i feel way bad because my bad habits are rubbing off on her like when she wakes up late for class (not that, that happens, because katrina's perfect, right terina?). she's taught me how to prioritize and that i should probably attempt to be more of a perfectionist. also that i need to learn to be cleaner. (don't worry trina, my mom sympathizes with you there.)

trina, i bet you didn't know the little gem on the right existed, did you? 

i'm grateful to know who i am, who i want to be and to have a plan on how to get there. there are so many unanswerable variables out there that make life hard and i can't imagine trying to tackle all those while not even knowing myself or what i truly wanted.

i love that my list of things to be grateful for is full of people. i'm always joking around that my life is so easy and that i never have any right to complain but it's so true. my life is easy. and i love it.

remember back when i told you "what i know" by parachute was my current favorite song? well they have another one that just won't leave my head. it's called "something to believe in" aaaand basically i love it. so here you are. enjoy. 

my comforter.

a year ago today i was sitting on my bed, in my parent's basement, with all my belongings in boxes and piles all over the room. it was the day before i was moving to college and i was all sorts of confused. i'm normally not the biggest fan of change, and i wasn't looking forward to leaving my family. however, i knew how intensely unhappy i was in my current situation and instead of complaining about it, like i'm prone to do, i decided to add 400 miles and a few thousand dollars to the mix and change everything about it. that night as i sat in my bed full of dread and frantic anticipation i wrote the following words. i never really planned on anyone reading them before, but i figure it's been long enough now that i think i can share this:

Tonight is one of many lasts as I start this new chapter in my young adult life. I’ve spent the past two days packing up all my precious things from sweat shirts to old journals into brown boxes to take to college. I know college is supposed to be exciting but I can’t help but feel a little lost seeing my sanctuary in such a bare state. I’ve never seen my closet so empty, or my walls so bare and I’m not sure I approve. I’ve known for months that this day was coming. I made a promise to myself that I was going to move away to do some growing up but now that this day has come, I can’t help but feel saddened by it. 

For the past two years I’ve gone through some pretty good and pretty horrible times; I graduated from high school, I started college, I had my heart ripped out, I’ve felt more alone than I ever thought possible, and I’ve come back from it, slowly but surely healing each broken part of me.  There were times I felt like my pain would start to stitch itself up only to be ripped open, never to fully heal. But finally I feel like those wounds are no longer gaping and half-open, but healed completely with maybe a scar or two to remind me just how far I've come.

And through that painful healing process I've had one sure sanctuary, this room. I’ve spent ten years getting everything about it just right, from the pictures on the walls to the color of the sheets. I felt like my room was an extension of myself, my creativity. I've spent many mornings on my floor in front of my full length mirror following makeup tutorials to get my eyes just right. I’ve sat for countless hours in my Papasan chair with my laptop surfing the web and editing my photography. I’ve spent way too many hours in my perfect, oh, my famously comfortable bed reading thousands of pages, sleeping in way too late, and dreaming. I’ve had the most perfect dreams here, of love and loss and occasionally lucidity. I’ve spent many nights with my blinds open, staring at the moon and stars through my window only to fall asleep in the moon’s light, and eventually be woken up by that same open window and the morning sun’s heat upon my face.

Whenever I was asked where I’d want to be most, where I felt the most safe and comfortable, I would always think of my room. I know I’m moving on to hopefully better my life but I can’t help but feel a little bit of sorrow that my greatest comforter can’t come with me. 

(pretend you can't see me in that mirror- pre losing 20 lbs. yikes)

lets be honest, society sucks and the media is vicious.

so, i wasn't planning on really writing much tonight. stress makes me zero fun to talk to slash read about and as you've probably gleaned from my previous post i'm slightly stressed. along with being zero fun to talk to i become a master procrastinator and as such i was going through my old facebook wall posts to reminisce of sorts tonight (it's way fun, highly recommend it). while doing this i ran into a picture of myself from about a year ago. 

warning: this picture is way unflattering. 

that picture was taken on june 23, 2010 when we dropped jesse off at the mtc. at the time i didn't really realize just how big i had slowly gotten over the past few years but the second i looked at the pictures my dad had so graciously taken of me i couldn't get the image out of my head. i had managed to gain almost 40 lbs since my sophomore year of high school. i was huge and i hated it. 

fast forward a few months: when i moved up to college i was scared to grow up. i was scared to make sure i woke up on time, i was scared to have to pay for everything on my own, and most of all i was terrified of the supposed freshman (or in my case the junior) fifteen. once i moved up here though, i realized my reluctance to spend money on food, my spread out classes all over campus, and my new found love for grapefruit were totally working on my side. by the time i visited home in october i could barely keep my jeans from falling off; i'd already lost ten pounds. 

it's now a little over a year since that first picture was taken and this is what i look like today (literally today):

(ignore the mess, i'm packing... kinda. that excuses it, right? not really? awesome)

i've lost almost 20 pounds, i'm back to wearing the ridiculous purple shorts i loved so much my senior year of high school. i'm finally comfortable in my own skin again. i don't want to say something shallow about how what you look like and how much you weigh should directly coincide with how you feel about yourself as a person, but lets be honest, society sucks and the media is vicious. living in today's world is hard enough without adding a few extra pounds to be carrying around. 

i'm just glad that i'm back to cringing at pictures of myself because of the faces i'm pulling, and not because of how many of my chins are showing. 

ciera the great.

so, you know how you meet those people in your life who are just amazing? they'll give anything they have if someone else expresses the need for it? over the past year i've become really good friends with one such individual. her name is ciera jeppson and if you know this girl you don't need me to explain why she's so great but if you haven't had the pleasure to make her acquaintance just yet i'll share the interactions i've had with her so you can judge for yourself.

first, when i moved up here to logan one of my roommates was the great katie used-to-be-berryessa-but-went-and-got-married-and-now-she's-a gish. katie was pretty good friends with ciera and so we'd have sunday dinners occasionally. ciera would invite us all over to her house where she usually had a legit dinner mostly made, and if free food wasn't enough she would almost always have dessert. seriously, so many brownie points there.

second, when me and katrina were being kicked out of our apartment last may we had a bit of a situation with getting our stuff relocated. the kid who had originally volunteered his truck for us to use backed out literally at midnight the night before we were supposed to be completely moved out. both me and katrina worked the next morning, me at 8 and her at 10. i got sooo frustrated because i knew there was no way we'd be able to move our stuff in time. katrina called the amazing ciera and not only did she come over straight from working a twelve hours shift but she let us use her car to transport stuff to her house where she let us keep it in her back room. and as if that wasn't enough, she even stayed until four in the morning and helped us clean until we were done. serious.

and now today, she brought over some boxes from her work for me and katrina to use as we prepare to pack up, yet again, and move in a few weeks here. not only did she bring boxes but she brought us a whole cheese cake with accompanying strawberries. just because. honestly, how can you not love this girl?! oh, did i forget to mention that she's also letting us stay at her house while we're going to be homeless in a few weeks. she's seriously the best.

complete exploration.

I've been feeling the creative pull a lot more lately. I want to chalk it up to the "spring time" but, lets face it, Logan doesn't have "spring time". So, instead I'm going to give myself a little bit of credit and say that it has something to do with the fact that I'm finally excited about my future (more on that later... much later).
Today, I've been satisfying my creativity by going through old pictures that I've forgotten about on my external hard drive. They date back to 2007,  when I got my first digital camera.  After going through the beginning stages of my fascination with photography I've come to realize two things. First, you guys are liars. In high school I used to have so many people tell me they liked my photography, and while I did have that first love type excitement towards photography at that time, my pictures were still trash. For instance may I present:

Exhibit A: please, take special note of the blatant disregard for over-saturating color and that obnoxious flash. Also the fact that it's a picture of myself adds a nice touch, I think. 

Exhibit B: it's grainy as anything and blurry to boot. And yet, I distinctly remember a handful of people saying they loved this picture. Dear friends, how you've mislead me.

These pictures have helped me realize something, I have lost a bit of that fearless creativity I used to have. All those old shots I've taken something in common, well besides horrendously high ISO's, they were all taken in complete exploration. No inhibitions. No preconceived notions of what standard they had to live up to. I was just taking pictures because I loved it. And that, my friends, is what I've decided to work towards again. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's 2:30 AM and I do believe it's close enough to my bedtime. 

p.s. I did find a few winners, i'll post those here for you to enjoy/laugh at. 

       

        

There's about two years difference between the pictures above and the pictures below. And this is about where I got photoshop and learned how to use my camera properly. I'd like to think the knowledge shows through.