remember that time i went to rome...

the Vatican

so in my last post i mentioned that i had a draft saved about my adventures in rome, but i hadn't organized them into readable sentences or anything yet. i figured i should probably make that a priority before it becomes outdated and irrelevant (i wrote that last sentence about a month ago. so i think it's a little too late for that. oops.) like all the other twenty some odd drafts i have saved on here. but because i'm tired and i'm pretty sure i don't have long to do this, i'm going to make one of my famous lists. shall we?

rome was... quite the experience. i'd be lying if i said i absolutely loved it from the start, heck it'd be lying if i said i liked it from the start.
first, we arrived mid-morning after spending the night attempting to sleep sitting up on the train. any day that begins off with train sleep as it's backer is doomed from the start. when we'd told people we were heading to rome we were greeted with handfuls of warnings about pick pockets and thieves. with all these warnings fresh in my mind i stepped off the train tired, sore, and immediately overwhelmed.

after gaining some semblance of our barrings, me and marissa attempted to find the tourist office to get a map and recommendations on hostels worth staying at. a few laps around the station confirmed the last thing i wanted to hear, there was no tourist office... or none that we could find. our aimless wanderings found us in front of a map of the station trying our hardest to hopefully see the tourist office that we'd somehow missed. after only a minute of staring but not understanding what my eyes were seeing, we were confronted by an elderly-ish man (whom i took it upon myself to immediately distrust very, very strongly. my intense aversion to him was probably a mix of sleep deprivation and residual paranoia from my loved one's warnings. the combination of which is much more powerful than i ever could have anticipated.) this italian grandfather then proceeded to, repeatedly, give us a sales pitch on his abilities to find the cheapest and closest hotels that would best suit our needs because he'd just helped a group of eleven find a hostel clear across town for 10 euro a piece and then they ended up coming back to him to stay in the first hotel he'd recommended that was near the station and only 27 euro a piece and how the people were so grateful to him and how he was not going to charge us any commission, like the people at the booths would and how we should trust him because he just helped a group of eleven find a hostel clear across town for 10 euro a piece and then they ended up coming back to him to stay in the first hotel he'd recommended that was near the station and only 27 euro a piece... seriously. exactly like that. he talked in circles.  he offered to take us to the nearby hotel and just as i was about to open my mouth to say no thank you marissa agreed. so we went.
the hotel he promised us ended up being less like a hotel and more like the sketchiest hotel i'd ever set foot in. there was no sign out front to mark it, and we had to use three separate keys to get inside the building, inside the gate that was inside the building, and then inside our room. upon entering our bedroom i realized this wouldn't be so bad. that is until i noticed there was only a full sized bed in there. yep. one bed. two girls.
the fact that we had a private bathroom totally won me over and then i realized we had a bidet.  and that's when i couldn't stop laughing.
the next hour contained the overly friendly Italian grandpa from the train station coming and getting us from the hotel to take us to the open tour, tour bus company to help us purchase a ticket, which we surely didn't need, and then to a different tour bus company to purchase another ticket which would take us to Pompeii and Naples the next day, which is something we actually wanted.

the rest of the Rome trip definitely got better, well that is after a small incident in the internet cafe, where we were reassuring loved ones that we had made it safe, which was speaking a little too soon. i had just finished using my half of our purchased 30 minutes when i heard something happening behind me. turning around i saw two men in an awkward embrace of sorts, which turned out to be less of an embrace more of an attack. after semi wrestling for a minute or two the second man whipped out some handcuffs, and after slapping the first man around a few times, he cuffed the man and led him out of the store. i could taste the adrenalin in my mouth.
after that everything definitely went up hill. i wish i could give you a play by play of our next few days but, due to the time that's passed and my awesome memory, i couldn't do that even if i tried. so instead here's a list of things i managed to jot down in my phone while we were there:

• while on the train from Rome to Florence i definitely saw a rather detailed piece of graffiti of the monster dude from the goonies.... sloth, i think? yeah. it was pretty top notch. 
• i managed to eat at mcdonalds twice while i was there. before you judge, i managed to eat something they don't offer back at home. so that makes it ok... right? right.
• our bus ride to pompeii was rather long and with my talent of sleeping on public transportation i rested my head on the window and slept the whole time. sounds simple enough. nope. the ride was so bumpy and i was so tired that i didn't even notice my head being repeatedly hit on the window giving me a surprisingly massive raised bruise on the left side of my head about the size of the side of my hand, from the tip of my pinky to the base of my hand. 
• i forgot my camera charger, which is still my biggest regret over the past three months. i didn't get nearly as many pictures of rome or florence that i wanted. i'm still sad about that. 

to conserve battery in my camera i started taking pictures on my phone. this was one of my favorites of the Colosseum. 

• my favorite memory in rome was easily sitting at the trevi fountain on our last day, eating bueno flavored gelato, the temperature was 75 degrees and being perfectly content. i could have sat there for hours.

• my cold uninviting personality finally paid off. tons of soulless italian salesmen felt the chill that is my cold shoulder over the two days we were there. every time one would approach me and marissa i'd quickly emasculate them with a flick of the hand and a "no thank you." only one man recovered quickly enough to retort with a "no gratzi?!" (i'm totally kidding by the way, they don't think twice about being rejected because it literally happens every two seconds to them. on the bottom of the list of jobs that strip you of any and all dignity resides the street salesmen.)
• in other heart breaking news: i am nearly out of chap stick. i have probably two more uses out of it before i have to stoop to scooping some out of the bottom of it with my finger. those of you who offered to send me some are liars. that is all. (due to my untimliness of posting this, i have since completely run out of chap stick and replaced it with some that will do for now)
• the day we tried to leave rome was a train strike. yep. when the lady at the ticket booth told us that i didn't know whether to laugh at our horrible luck or to cry at our horrible luck.

needless to say we eventually made it home safe and upon reflection of all the wrong it's done me, i've decided i definitely want to go back to rome. soon.

zurich: the tale of being locked out at midnight.

on our way home aboard the train yesterday i actually got a little excited thinking about how i could write a nice short entry about our pleasant, simple, fun, yet uncomplicated time we had in zurich as opposed to the longer entries i find myself writing for our previous adventures.
and then i came home to a locked door, no roommate, and a missing key.

and that's when i realized this post was going to be a lot longer than anticipated.

first things first: zurich is lovely, albeit expensive. a "cheap" lunch was about 9 swiss franks, which roughly translates into $9.70. we got there around 11 AM and spent the day walking from church to church and then around the river and the lake. we climbed the 186 steps to the top of the grossmunster church's tower and enjoyed the unobstructed view of the city. one of zurich's (or i guess a lot of cities in europe do this) most charming feature was the beautiful "drinking" fountains they have all around town, in squares and parks, for people to drink out of. when marissa first told me they were meant to be drank (drunk... drinked?) from i didn't believe her, and then we watched quite a few locals do it. after some intense laughter and a lot of coaxing she managed to get a picture of me drinking from one.

all in all, the weather was warm, the skies were clear, and the buildings might as well have come straight out of a fairy tale. our last purchase was spending 28 franks on the best pastries i've had in a long time, which we ate on the 3 1/2 hour train ride home. but, within the first hour my stomach was already completely regretting spending more than 5 franks on pastries. i was tempted to sleep it off but i refrained because i wanted to go to bed early and consequently wake up early the next morning.

we arrived in innsbruck at about 10:10, tired but happy. but all that changed at about 10:40 when i found myself standing in front of my apartment door dumping the contents of my purse out our welcome mat in search of my keys. which were no where to be found. after a few unfruitful phone calls in search of help i managed to run into two nice girls, one of whom spoke english. i explained my situation to her and asked if she knew how to get a hold of someone who could unlock my door. we spent the next half an hour searching three floors of the building with no result. we eventually ran into some people in the 4th floor kitchen. i explained my problem and was then pawned off from the two nice girls (who, i feel it is worth mentioning, offered to let me stay with them if i didn't find a way into my apartment.) to a very tall, very... thick indian guy. he took me to the third floor to knock on the door of the janitor's house, who apparently didn't feel it necessary to answer.

after twenty minutes and a few more phone calls later i ended up in the car of the brother of a friend, on my way to his and his wife's apartment to sleep on their couch. once we arrived it was clear i had interrupted their alone time, as their baby had just fallen asleep, but they were nothing less than sweet, kind and helpful in spite of my intrusion.

by 1:30 i was finally able to sleep.

i awoke at 8:30 the next morning, to an empty apartment (the family i was staying with had gone to salzburg for a meeting and left me their keys to lock up the place when i was ready to leave, which i find extraordinary, seeing as how the whole reason i was with them was because i couldn't keep track of a set of keys in the first place, but i digress). after a brisk walk and a few different bus routes i found myself in front of the janitor's door again. this time he answered.11 hours after the initial discovery of being locked out i was once again safe inside my little dorm.

i never thought the sight of ikea furniture could be so comforting.


lets end this post on a good note: here are some pictures of just how beautiful zurich is.

also, i have my post for rome half-ish written. i shall finish it... next week. promise. (because i know you're all on the edge of your seats, waiting impatiently. ooh maria, you and your self flattery.)

a jumbled mess of non-liner thoughts.

hi. it's been a while. i didn't want to post anything until i recapped my "beda" project but i've had a burst of inspiration so i'm thinking i can make an exception. (plus from the way things are going i'm probably never going to post day 31. slacker)

so something pretty life altering happened to me a few days ago (no, it wasn't me turning 22, although that came in close second.) that's had me questioning all sorts of things about myself as a human being, the standards i hold myself to, and the impression i give off to others. after taking a step back and evaluating these things i realized i didn't really like what i saw, and i started feeling a little bummed out. usually when i start feeling this way my first reaction is either one of two things; word vomit about it in every way possible to everyone and anyone who will listen like on facebook, blogs, or even telling random strangers on the bus. the second way is i bottle it up inside and refuse to talk about it with anyone. this instance has me resorting to the latter. but. tonight i encountered some dialogue a young man, about my age, put out into the internet that i feel applies to my current situation and it's got me ready to talk some things out.

his words were mostly directed at those who are having a kind of "down" day and how to combat that, and although i wouldn't limit my current less than perfect mood to just a day, i feel it still applies. his first example is: when you're feeling down the worst thing to do is lounge around and attempt to sleep it off. now i'm not a very good example of this because my number one way of coping is to sleep forever. and ever. and then sleep some more. case and point: i took a five hour nap today. not good. what i should have done was go on a bike ride, with camera in tow exposing myself to as much sun, life, and beauty as possible. by letting myself stay cooped up in my room i'm letting these negative feelings fester. that's the last thing anyone needs when trying to repair themselves.

the second thing he said was: take a notebook or a sketch pad and just write down all your worries and concerns and then throw it away. "as soon as it hits the paper it's not in your brain anymore. it can still be a problem but let it go. don't just let it fester in your brain, try and fix it. don't try and sleep it off thinking "i'll do it tomorrow" today is that tomorrow. i want you to get up and go talk about it. i bet someone else is feeling that same way." now i love this idea, not only because i'm really good at word vomiting, as i mentioned before, and i can seriously write pages and pages of initial thoughts while trying to think things out. about 99% of the things we let occupy our minds are things from the past or future that we can't immediately affect in the present. it is far better to learn how to let those things go and instead focus on how to improve your current state of being, today.

sorry if this is a jumbled mess of non-liner thoughts, i was trying to piece together all the thoughts i have swirling around in my head, if for no other reason than to try and better understand myself and hopefully snap myself out of this never ending funk.

commence putting on big girl pants: now.

today has been hard. not the type of hard that wednesday was where i was moving all my belongings in the heat of noon with nothing in my stomach but a few bottles worth of water and ice. i mean mentally hard. and i'm honestly not even sure why.

church was awesome, seeing friendly faces sitting in the pews instead of the stranger's i've sat next to for the past three months was refreshing. almost like coming home. but almost instantly after church was over i started feeling a massive ball of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach. and once again, i'm not sure why. i'm not as prepared for school to start as i usually am and that might have something to do with it. i don't have any text books yet, i haven't purchased any of the required supplies, and i'm not 100% sure where my classes are (although i do know they are all in the farthest corner of campus. yay.) i guess all around i've had too much fun being free this summer, i'm not quite ready to give that up for procrastination and sleep deprivation.

today in church i swear all the talks were geared towards me. one girl talked on how faith, hope and charity go hand in hand. another talk was on the blessings that come to us from institute and the last talk was given by our bishop on going to your heavenly father when in need. now, since the majority of you who read this know me pretty well, you know that i can be stubborn at times and downright unreasonable at others. i'm severely independent and can probably count on one hand how many times i've asked for outside help. in my life. so hearing the bishop give a talk on asking for help really felt directed completely at me. he told a story that i really liked that i'll sum up for you guys.

there was a young boy who was asked to help his father clear out a spot in their backyard for a garden. the boy was excited that his dad had trusted him enough to ask him and so he started out clearing weeds and moving rocks with zeal. however, he came to a huge rock right in the middle of the plot and no matter how much he dug, or pushed, or pulled he couldn't get it to move. after quite a while of this he went to his dad, head hung in defeat and said "i've tried everything and i can't get this rock to move." his dad put his hand on the young boy's shoulder and said "son, you haven't tried everything. you haven't asked me yet."

it wasn't until this year at school that i felt i was faced with challenges that i honestly couldn't pull off on my own. while living at home i always knew i had a set of parents and a few close friends who would drop everything they were doing if i expressed sincere need for it. but up here everyone is on their own. it's in times when i feel like i can't physically do it or that there's not enough hours in the day, that i need to set my pride aside and look up.

sheesh, i am sorry, two deep personal posts in one week's time. i promise you guys, this won't be a habit. i just need to buck up and embrace time moving forward and my opportunities for personal growth and stop complaining. commence putting on big girl pants: now.

wanna hear what i've been listening to today to calm myself?

seriously, you guys, this soundtrack is golden.

well i have an 8:30 class in the morning, which are words i never thought i'd say, so i'm going to do my best to get myself in bed before midnight tonight. i honestly don't even know the last time i was in bed before two let alone midnight. we'll see how well this semester pans out.

i packed, moved, and cleaned an apartment today.

sorry, this is going to be short because i have to get up in 4 hours to do more cleaning. i'm feeling like writing in paragraph form isn't working for me tonight. here are some bullet points:

• i'm currently sitting on the floor of my gutted bedroom. 
• i've been packing, moving, and cleaning for 16 hours, off and on. 
• i feel like super woman when i move all my everything-i've-ever-owned all by myself.
• i've spent forty minutes total on my knees scrubbing floors tonight.
• i spent too many hours today in a very frustrated mood because... 
• two of my roommates feel above cleaning and have consequently not done any. we'll see if they like that when want their deposit back. 
• i am SO over college apartment living. especially the whole roommate thing.
• i accidentally packed my pillow in storage :(
•  my back is angry, my hands are sore, and my whole body is exhausted.
• i took a shower at 2 AM and it was, without a doubt, the best shower i've had in a long time.
• i'm going to miss this place.

i feel bad complaining for 10 bullet points straight so here is something to cheer you up. my friend posted this song to his facebook and it made me happy. have a listen:

:)

just a little stress rant about moving and school and blah blah blah.

today at work i realized it's the tenth. that means i have five days to be out of here, my current apartment that is. let me explain to you why that stresses me out so bad:

• one- that's five days to put all of my worldly belongings into cardboard boxes, stuff them in my car and move them to an entirely new location but...
• two- i don't have an entirely new location to move them to because... 
• three- i can't move into my new apartment until the twenty fourth because everyone who runs an apartment complex up here is only concerned with money and not the welfare of others. 
• four- i still insist on totting my bookshelf, complete with fifty plus books, and my papasan chair with me to each apartment. even though neither of those things fit into my car by any stretch of the imagination and...
• five- i've yet to find anyone with a truck who would be willing to help me move said bookshelf and massive chair. (i wrote about my previous experience with this problem in my post about ciera the great)
• six- the utilities in this apartment are under my name,. on august 8th, i'd paid $181 of my own dollars with neither of my other two roommates even acknowledging that they each owe me $48. to make matters worse, i think one of them may have even moved out today. i can't afford to pay everyone's portion of the utilities, that's almost $100 between the two of them. (let me be clear that i'm not afraid of katrina not paying me for the utilities. she's been out of town, it's understandable. plus i could easily take her if it came down to a fist fight.) anyone have any ideas on how to get them to pay me?
• seven-moving out means school is starting. and i'm not ready for that. i don't have my books yet, i'm still on the waiting list for one of my classes, my hours at work are going to go down because of my school schedule which equals less money, aaand what little money i have left is all going to the university. i don't really feel like giving up my money just yet. 
• aaand eight- i've loved this apartment. i love how roomy it is, and how huge my room is. i love having my own bathroom; i love that we have a kitchen table and a pantry! you guys don't know how rare it is for a college apartment to have a pantry. i love the massive window in my room that lets in all of the morning's sunshine- even though i sleep through most of it. i'm definitely going to miss this place.

i'm just really not ready to give up sunshine and warmth in exchange for early morning class, nature dying, the air freezing, and homework.   

    

(in case it was unclear, these three pictures are my way of paying homage to the summer almost being over.)

in non related news: i fell asleep on the floor today after work for about half an hour. when i woke up both my hands were numb from laying on them and i definitely had a little bit of carpet face going on. it was completely attractive.

p.s i have this new love for chewing ice. can anyone enlighten me on just how horrible that is for my teeth? personal experience?

when electronics strike back.

guys, i'm not going to lie. i'm already kinda burnt out about this whole blogging thing (and apparently my decision to use capital letters was a yesterday only thing. apologies?) but we're going to push through!

i bet a few of you can already guess what this is going to be about.
let me start from the beginning:
so this morning i woke up at an unspecified time (for embarrassment purposes) to a strange feeling on my hand. at first i thought maybe i'd just slept weird on it or whatever but upon further inspection i quickly realized there was actually something wrong.

that is what i found (notice the silk christmas pajamas in the background, i'm always doing my best to stay classy).  after a few seconds of intense confusion i kinda pushed it aside, thinking maybe i'd somehow had something pressing against it all night and that it was just a strange indent that would go away with time. i then reached for my phone to see what time it was, and that's when i realized what was wrong with my hand.

that, my friends is a burn. 
so this is what i think happened. apparently when i fell asleep last night i left the app "words with friends" running and that made my phone have to think really, really hard all night long. that in turn, caused it to use up a lot of energy and therefore become very, very, very hot.
in my half awake stupor i managed to take the battery out of my phone and use it's plastic back to maneuver both my boiling-lava-hot phone and the equally hot battery to the vent on the floor of my room to cool down. 
this situation alarms me for a few reasons:

• HOW DID I NOT WAKE UP!? this is a legit burn, you guys. doctor katrina diagnosed it as a second degree burn (a quick wikipedia check verifies this. look at you go katrina, knowing your degrees of burns). it's all nice and blistery now. the red area thing has cut down by about half but it's still really, really angry. if i can sleep through a second degree burn what else am i capable of sleeping through? this is a question i never want answered. 
• why in the world are phones allowed to get hot enough to cause a second degree burn!? i realize that it was thinking really hard all night but there really needs to be an emergency off switch that automatically shuts everything down when it reaches temperatures that everyone can agree is uncomfortably hot. i mean, that's gotta cause some damage to the phone's internal workings right? if it burnt my skin i bet it could melt plastic...  eventually. right?

anyway, this story has a slightly happy ending. around five o'clock (right when the blistering started) i went over to the verizon store to let them know what their phones were capable of doing to human flesh. at first when i was explaining my phone's problem of draining battery like that's it's j-o-b (this is it's initial problem that i've had for a few days now) the guy there was all "yeah, yeah that's normal. i had that phone... it did that... just factory reset it... you'll be fine." but when i asked him if my phone was supposed to reach temperatures not unlike those of the sun he started to listen a little more intently. then i showed him my burn. his reaction, "WHA?! yeah, lets get you a new battery." while he was taking ten minutes to figure out how make the computer allow me to get a free battery i had the privilege of telling my unfortunate burn story to two other sales associates and a customer that they were helping. 

i have a feeling i was the talk of the verizon store for at least today, if not tomorrow as well. 

want to see more pictures? i thought you would.

this is at about seven-ish.

and this is how it looks right now. do not let it's lack of redness fool you, this monster hurts. 

(heartburn update: katrina's mom, franci, gave me a miracle pill... it started with a "z"... or was it an "x"... yeah i've already forgotten the name but it's basically become my new favorite thing.)

you know, you're pretty alright for a blog.

it's late and i'm dreading work tomorrow so this is me trying to find ways to justify staying up just a little bit later. and what better way to waste time than to make you a list of all the things that have been going through my head today. lets begin:

• my limbs itch. how exactly does one manage to acquire six mosquito bites on her right leg and zero on her left? yeah, i have no idea but i definitely did just that on my bike ride last night. i've also got one on my right arm, which is in a conveniently impossible place to scratch. 
• i work at eight tomorrow. that's not really pressing or exciting news but it's really bumming me out so it tops this list at number two. (i say that like there was this big vote that everyone took to decide which of  my current thought trains are the most note worthy. there wasn't.)
• i've started this weird habit where i clench my jaw reeeeheeeally tight if i'm concentrating or stressed out or just thinking too hard in general. (insert joke here about me never thinking at all. ha ha) these past few days have been full of a variety of intense and stressful thoughts and the results have been less than fun. i keep having to "flex" my jaw, if you will, every five minutes or so because it starts to feel like the muscles are permanently clenched. it gets so tight that i'm actually getting a migraine from it. 
• i've decided to make some pretty big life changes as of late, and one of those life changes is to stop drinking soda. about a month ago i was toying with the idea of stopping but lately i've realized just how sick it makes me feel. it's honestly not worth it anymore. oh the joys of being a self diagnosed hypoglycemic. i should also swear off sugar for good, but i'm taking this one painfully healthy step at a time.  
• i found out that i'm going to be homeless for 9 days, august 15th -24th and there's no way around it. (this is one of those stressful thoughts i briefly mentioned earlier) the only thing i hate more than moving, is moving all my stuff twice in a matter of two weeks. not excited. i'm currently on the lookout for anyone who has an empty back room and a couch that i can crash on for those 9 days. 
• school is starting soon. i can't tell if i'm dreading it more than being homeless or if i'm excited to finally have direction in my life once again. i guess if school starting didn't directly mean the weather was going to attempt to kill me again i wouldn't mind as much. turns out i'm WAY attached to sunlight and warmth in general. who knew.
• i've started writing in my journal again. two nights ago i spent quite a few hours going through my last journal from 2009 that i only managed to fill 3/4 of the way. it's funny how we tend to go in circles in our lives, i'm almost back to where i was then, just in a different zip code. after writing for only two days though i've already written 12 pages. i suppose that's what happens when one tries to recap 2 years of living in a matter of nights. i can't tell if starting to keep a personal journal again will take away from this thing here or not. i guess only time will tell.

now that i feel as though we all have a healthy dose of stress running through our veins, i'm going to share this song with you. it's a audible balm, i swear.  there are very few instrumental songs that i like, but this song has my heart. i've been in love with it for about two years now and i've been listening to it on repeat for two days.

well, i only have 4 hours before i have to wake up for work so i should probably get some sleep now. thanks for letting me dump all that on you. you know, you're pretty alright for a blog.

A journal of sorts to catalogue the nightmares.

I had probably the worst sleep of my life last night. I fell asleep at 5:30 AM while trying to force myself to finish a paper that was due today. I kept waking up panicked and disoriented from nightmares or something, only to fall sleep back into those nightmares. This is day three of nightmares for me- the girl who never had nightmares in her life, and now I have three whole days worth. It's confusing to me. I can't figure out what I've done to cause this. People have suggested it's my sleep schedule, but that's been broken for well over a year now. I haven't started watching scary movies, I'm still barely eating, like normal. Nothing has changed except for the content of my once safe haven and the rate at which my heart is beating when I wake up. 

Is this ok with you, blog, if I use you as a pseudo-public journal of sorts? Do you even want to take the time to read all this?

Because this was a depressing-ish post, I'll end this on a good note. This is how I feel about us, blog. 

Two peas in a pod, 

one girl on a stool 

and one elephant on the sod. 

(totally just made that up. ten points to me, eh?)

Oh, and you're the elephant.

nothing of consequence.

preface: i've had seven hours of free time today.

i've been listening to set fire to the rain, by adele 12 times in a row. 12 times 4 is 48. almost an entire unproductive hour of one song. and i'm still going strong.

i set fire to the rain, watch it burn as i touched your face. well, it burned when i cried cause i heard it screaming out your name. your name.


i'm sitting in my bed staring blankly at the mobile filled with high school "photography," handing in the corner across from me. i'm trying my best to coerce myself into writing my technical writing assignment that's due tomorrow, as the mobile slowly rotates due to the vent to it's right. the pictures are going in an unsure clockwise motion. they seem like they don't know how to move uniformly because they keep bumping into each other. kinda like people do when you put a bunch of them in a group and don't tell them which way to go but tell them they need to get there soon. every so often i blow as hard as i can to the left of it, just to see if i can make a bigger impact on them than the vent. i can't. that feels like a metaphor but i've been trying to do academic writing for so long today i can't be bothered to break it down.

and i threw us into the flames, when we fell, something died, cause i knew that, that was the last time... the last time. 


i've eaten nearly all the easter candy from my mother-sent care package. i never thought i was a stress eater, and then i got stressed. and now the candy is almost gone. my teeth are coated in bubble gum residue and my tongue tastes like a mixture of stale and chocolate.

i just spent twenty minutes writing and revising this. twenty minutes i could have been working on that school assignment that's due tomorrow. or i could have been reading; i have a book, one that i really want to read, and it's due back at the library tomorrow. i still have almost two hundred pages to go. lists and lists of things undone.

seven hours. that's longer than one day of high school. i set fire...ridiculous.

four petty complaints.

four pet peeves.
one: music on blogs. don't do it. we're already agreeing to read your words, we don't need to listen to something you love at the same time. plus i don't know anyone who's reading comprehention increases when they're trying to also thoroughly enjoy a popular song. it just doesn't happen.

two: cropping photography. there's a reason the photographer framed that picture the way they did. it's called "art" (i use that word loosely). you probably don't realize how much thought was spent setting up that picture. don't crop it. not even for your facebook profile picture. thank you from photographers everywhere.

three: talking during class lectures. i'm sorry that one of your most expensive life choices was to pay to be allowed sit in these mildly uncomfortable chairs and talk to your friend about last's nights undesirable conquests. i paid a stupid amount of money to come here and learn, i already have bad hearing, i don't need you complicating things.  please take it outside. (this pet peeve can also be applied to movie theaters. you paid $7.50 just to sit in a room for 2 hours and talk to people you see daily?! do you know how many sangria's $7.50 will get you? nearly ten! and that's plus tax.)

and for the ironic fourth: passive aggressive behavior. is what i'm doing bothering you? stop sending me cryptic messages via eye brow angles and just tell me.

thanks guys. it feels good to get that off my chest.

friday night syndrom

It’s 1:30 on a Friday night. For the third day in a row I’ve gotten myself all dolled up only to wash off the makeup and throw the clothes in the hamper after never even leaving the house. I’m sitting in my green circle chair. I know it’s name isn’t really circle chair, but I’ve never been able to remember the foreign word that’s it’s actually called. the cotton of the seat has worn through from these past 6 months and I can feel the bent bamboo sticks beneath me. I have to shift every four minutes just to say comfortable. Nothing interests me as I sift through colourful web pages but I can’t shut it off. I settle with youtube. There’s a strange sense of presence that comes from this waste of time and space. Although those people have no idea who I am, I know who they are. I get to know them. They’re my only social escape. I play a 4:35 minute vlog as I get ready for bed, listening to Nerimon’s day about taking his girlfriend back to the airport. She lives in America, he lives in London. what I wouldn’t give to have what they have.

Am I a pessimist? No. I’m a keeper of facts, Only knowing what I’ve observed. And I act solely on just that. He’s put other things before you countless times, he’ll do it again. he lies to you to get what he wants, he’s not going to stop now. Honestly, he doesn’t care about you. Actions speak louder than words my friend.

i just want to be happy.

i don't get it. what is it that makes us crave the attention of our peers? we'll even put up with ones we don't care for, just so we have someone. is being alone really that bad? why is it that ostricisim can drive otherwise perfectly normal people to suicide?
does it really matter?
are these fake relationships really important?
well apparently so.
these past few months have proven my point.

chocolate and child prodegies

it's almost basically one o'clock and i couldn't get more bored. soo, i'm going to tell you a bed time story.

once upon a time there was a girl named maria. she woke up an hour late causing her to be an hour and a half late to work. after working for half the time she was supposed to, she came home only to sit on her butt alllll fuhreaking day long. after working up her courage to finally work out for a mere 20 minutes. following that she returned to her sitting, except this time she was responsible for another person: her little sister. this so called "babysitting" started at 7. it is now one and her current predicament contains a spoonful of peanut butter, beyond dry contacts, and oprah on the tv telling of child prodigies. nothing makes me feel more productive or useful to my world, country, and family knowing that out there, there's some four year old child composing the next beethoven's 5th symphony. to top it all off, i really really really really really want a brownie. these kids are inventing the cure for cancer at the age of 12 and me, being almost 19, i can barely curb my own addictions to fattening foods.

alright so that wasn't really a bed time story. more like day recap ending in a pile of pitty me and my sad existance spiel. apologies.