i played russian rulette today with the bus system. and won.

so for some reason i waited way too long to write this post and i'm freaking exhausted so you're going to get the condensed version of my day, which is such a bummer because i actually have fun things to tell you.

*i had the pleasure of working from 9-2 this morning and during that time i got to help a sweet old couple pick out some glasses and i repaired another older man's frames. working with the elderly has helped me realize a few things: agility is a luxury we all take for granted, and a steady hand is priceless. the older gentleman who's frames i was fixing had such horrible shaky hands that when i wasn't having him take his glasses off and on, which seemed cruel but was necessary, he had his hands constantly resting on his face because it was the only way he could keep the steady. now, i don't know if it was because i was sleep deprived and my body didn't know how to handle itself being awake at such normal hours, but seeing that man struggle to control his own hands really stuck with me. there's something so unjust in seeing those who have lived three to four times as long as me, struggle to perform the most basic of functions like walking, talking, or even signing their names. but on to less serious things...

*i'm taking space exploration. after spending an hour and a half in that classroom i still can't even tell you what it's about but i can tell you a few things:

• first: i made the mistake of sitting way too far back in the classroom so i had the hardest time hearing (oh, didn't i tell you? i'm going deaf. yeah, this isn't a joke. yeah, i'm bummed. and yeah, it really interferes with my social life but that is a story for another time.). also, i just so happened to sit by two groups of friends who picked today from 3:00-4:15 to hold a friend reunion, which is exactly when that class was going. that is one of my all time biggest pet peeves! if you're in an area that people had to pay to get into with the sole purpose of listening, watching and learning something DON'T FREAKING TALK. so rude.)
• second: the air conditioning doesn't work in that room. it's amazing to me how hard it is to learn when you're sweating.
• third: the teacher is from germany and the whole time i had to fight the urge to raise my hand and tell him my brother was currently in germany and so me and him now had this special (and totally nonexistent) bond that would surely get me an A.
• fourth: speaking of my professor, he kinda looks like this guy and he most definitely says "NASA" just like Arnold Schwarzenegger would. i stifled a giggle every time he said it. 

• five: there's a girl who was in my creative arts class last year who, in a crowd of 800 students, laughed so distinctly and so annoyingly that everyone could hear her. that same girl is in my space exploration class. except now instead of being in a concert hall we're in a small classroom of 75 students. this is a huge problem. 
• six: my space exploration class is full of artists and english majors. my professor brought that up to assure us that there won't be any math in the class. he quickly realized what he was implying and tried his hardest to back out of the insult. it's a good thing all the considerate people around me were talking otherwise he probably would have been able to hear me laughing at him. and that would have made a poor first impression.
• seven: one of our class's course objectives is to be able to think more skeptically and question what we're told by the media and other "professionals". that point alone made me want to stand up and give him a good old fashioned slow clap.  

wow, i really did not mean to write so much about my space exploration class. i do have one more story for you though:
basically i played russian rulette today with the bus system. i get out of my art history class (which i'm still unsure if i like or not) at 5:45 and the shuttle that normally takes me home stops running at 5, which i totally forgot about. so i was sitting on the bench at the bus stop, contemplating whether i wanted to walk home (i had a miagrane at this point from boiling to death in my previous class and from being hungry. oh and i was wearing flip flops like the good college student that i am) or take the evening shuttle. now, i knew there was an evening shuttle than ran from 5-7:30 but i hadn't ever really paid attention to exactly where it went. tired, hungry and grumpy me decided to take the shuttle. as i got on we started taking a route i wasn't familiar with and i still wasn't convinced that it would ever take me home. i felt like i was gambling or something, the closer we got towards my apartment complex the more compelled i felt to get off at each stop because i didn't know if there was even another stop after that or if i'd be dragged back to campus, left to walk home like before only after losing half an hour. but being the brave soul that i am, i stuck it out. luckily, this was a gamble that totally paid off.
i learned a lot of things today: sitting in the front is essential, i never want to get old, and apparently, i'm really good at gambling.

wow, longest post ever. which is so weird because on a scale of one to ten, i am just plain tired. (because i have to wake up in 5 hours, i didn't proofread this post. so forgive me for any and all run on sentences and misspelled words. it's been a long day.)

so turns out i overreacted.

so, you guys. the semester has officially started and here are a few thoughts i had during the day.

one: i hate waking up at 7 AM. i feel like it's high school all over again.
two: it's fun seeing people from the english program around campus and getting to explain to them why i'm not in any of their classes anymore. i saw like five of them but only talked to two of them.
two part b: it's a pleasant surprise to me when people whom i think barely remember me end up recognizing me and deeming me worthy to sit and talk to for fifteen minutes in front of the tsc. like camille from my technical writing courses.
two part c: it's also fun to explain to people in all  my art classes that i'm technically not an art major yet. (i still hate saying art major out loud)
three: today in institute my teacher, brother allen, was going around the room asking everyone their name and where they were from. when he got to me and i told him my full name he said he had a story about me. my initial response? "oh yeah? *insert sarcastic smile*". his response, "yep, i used to have a huge crush on you." turns out he did. there was this girl who was writing him on his mission named maria wilson who he had a huge crush on but she married some other guy. so he's convinced i've been sent to his class to torment him... or something.
four: i was sitting in the shade and a random girl i don't know sat next to me and decided to become my friend. her name was ellie and she had impecable style and taste.
five: i met another girl today who is allergic to the cold. that's 3 people i've met allergic to cold and zero like me, who are allergic to heat. one in a million
six: is it bad of me to constantly be surprised when people are friendly or selfless? because i am.
six: i looove seeing all the new freshies freak out and not know how the shuttle works. yes children, we wait here in a LINE for our turns. no you may not huddle around the door to try and squeeze your way in first. yes, you're allowed to sit right next to a stranger. yes, squeeze back means you don't leave any breathing room between you and the two strangers around you. honestly.
SEVEN!: as most of you saw on facebook, because that's how you even got to this blog in the first place, my new glasses came. at first i was terrified of just how intense they are but they've now come to grow on me. and i'm already quite fond of them.

overall today was a success. i woke up on time. i found my classes easy enough. my teachers are relaxed. the classes are cake. everything is going to be ok.

facebook has started doing this thing where it posts your status updates from the year before in the left column to enhance your already self centered social network experience. these were the updates facebook showed me today:

On This Day In 2010

Maria Wilsonactual dinner attempt number one: failure. you win this round hunger.

34

Maria Wilsonis already missing the st.george heat. i am doomed.

153

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first, i would like to let you know dinner hasn't won since that first night when i tried to make noodles and it turned out as soup. ick. as proof of that: i spent $65 in groceries today, all of which i know how to successfully incorporate into a meal. yes, you may applaud now.
(speaking of me spending $65, me and katrina play this game every time we grocery shop to see who can spend the least amount of money. without fail, i win. even when i buy eye liner for $8 i still win. it's just one of my gifts. and it drives trina crazy)
second: i still miss the st.george heat. i don't think i will ever truly get over this.

commence putting on big girl pants: now.

today has been hard. not the type of hard that wednesday was where i was moving all my belongings in the heat of noon with nothing in my stomach but a few bottles worth of water and ice. i mean mentally hard. and i'm honestly not even sure why.

church was awesome, seeing friendly faces sitting in the pews instead of the stranger's i've sat next to for the past three months was refreshing. almost like coming home. but almost instantly after church was over i started feeling a massive ball of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach. and once again, i'm not sure why. i'm not as prepared for school to start as i usually am and that might have something to do with it. i don't have any text books yet, i haven't purchased any of the required supplies, and i'm not 100% sure where my classes are (although i do know they are all in the farthest corner of campus. yay.) i guess all around i've had too much fun being free this summer, i'm not quite ready to give that up for procrastination and sleep deprivation.

today in church i swear all the talks were geared towards me. one girl talked on how faith, hope and charity go hand in hand. another talk was on the blessings that come to us from institute and the last talk was given by our bishop on going to your heavenly father when in need. now, since the majority of you who read this know me pretty well, you know that i can be stubborn at times and downright unreasonable at others. i'm severely independent and can probably count on one hand how many times i've asked for outside help. in my life. so hearing the bishop give a talk on asking for help really felt directed completely at me. he told a story that i really liked that i'll sum up for you guys.

there was a young boy who was asked to help his father clear out a spot in their backyard for a garden. the boy was excited that his dad had trusted him enough to ask him and so he started out clearing weeds and moving rocks with zeal. however, he came to a huge rock right in the middle of the plot and no matter how much he dug, or pushed, or pulled he couldn't get it to move. after quite a while of this he went to his dad, head hung in defeat and said "i've tried everything and i can't get this rock to move." his dad put his hand on the young boy's shoulder and said "son, you haven't tried everything. you haven't asked me yet."

it wasn't until this year at school that i felt i was faced with challenges that i honestly couldn't pull off on my own. while living at home i always knew i had a set of parents and a few close friends who would drop everything they were doing if i expressed sincere need for it. but up here everyone is on their own. it's in times when i feel like i can't physically do it or that there's not enough hours in the day, that i need to set my pride aside and look up.

sheesh, i am sorry, two deep personal posts in one week's time. i promise you guys, this won't be a habit. i just need to buck up and embrace time moving forward and my opportunities for personal growth and stop complaining. commence putting on big girl pants: now.

wanna hear what i've been listening to today to calm myself?

seriously, you guys, this soundtrack is golden.

well i have an 8:30 class in the morning, which are words i never thought i'd say, so i'm going to do my best to get myself in bed before midnight tonight. i honestly don't even know the last time i was in bed before two let alone midnight. we'll see how well this semester pans out.

i'm (sorry) tired (sorry) and (sorry) not (sorry) sorry.

oh man, you guys. today has been a weird day. i was up by 7 this morning and to work by 8 with only three hours of sleep under my belt. i've really got to stop doing that. work was a blasty (sarcaaasm) and super busy. while at work i had this burst of inspiration to write about how much i enjoyed where i worked, the amazing people i worked with, and the growth and opportunities this job has given me (not sarcasm) but i'm tired and my brain is basically scrambled eggs right now(speaking of which i still haven't gone grocery shopping since moving in to this place. i've been living off cereal, hot pockets and apple sauce. someone kick my butt in gear. also my horrible diet also explains why i woke up to a charlie horse in my left calf earlier today. does that ever happen to anyone else? just me? awesome. ) because i accidentally took a 4 hour nap (am i allowed to call it a nap when it's longer than the amount of sleep i got the night before? anyone?) (also i feel like this post was mostly my thoughts instead of an actually coherent post. apologies again.) so i think i'll do it later. which means it probably won't happen because school starts monday and i only have three more days before i'm free of this project. can i get a hallelujah! AMEN. (that wasn't supposed to be caps but i think it really adds, so i'm leaving it.)

this is a way low energy post and i literally felt compelled to write "apologies" and "i'm sorry" after every sorry excuse for a sentence i wrote in here but then i got all prideful and defensive and convinced myself i don't have to apologize for the low quality of work i'm putting out there of my own free will (which is totally me in denial. because i really should apologize. so, sorry)

wanna hear something i'm ashamed of? i actually like this song.

i used to despise john mayer, especially after that daughters song and your body is a wonderland. gag. buuut this. i like this. please don't judge me. 

after writing this post the word sorry looks soooo weird. 

story time: pictures lost, pictures saved.

STORY TIME:
at 3:40 AM yesterday morning i decided to take the pictures i've been saving on my camera for the past month and put them onto my laptop so i could actually do something with them. i'm quite behind on my project 365, we won't calculate just how far behind i am though, and i thought last night was as good of a time as any to start working on that. i told my SD card to cut and paste the pictures to my laptop as i left my room to go brush my teeth. when i came back it said it was done and so i checked the laptop folder to start sorting them. it was empty. i checked the SD card. it was empty. somehow, instead of pasting the pictures to a place i could access my computer managed to delete all 230 of the pictures i had saved up. that's a month's worth of pictures. i went into freak out mode. worst sinking feeling ever. there were quite a few pictures on that card that i'd taken in st.george that i was really proud of and excited to edit. luckily though, i'd been through this sort of thing before last thanksgiving when my laptop decided it was tired of having years worth of documents (poetry, short stories, essays, etc) stored on it and so it deleted them all and i managed to get about 2/3 of that work back. by the time 4:30 rolled around i had successfully recovered all 230 pictures, with only six to ten of them having any sort of irreversible damage. like this one:

this is actually one of the few pictures i was excited for. i guess i'll just have to go back and take more. 

p.s. remember how i have that weird ice thing? well i made some ice yesterday and only gave it an hour or two to freeze and this is what happened:

the ice was hollow on the inside and full of water. how awesome is that!? it made biting into it fun. 

my comforter.

a year ago today i was sitting on my bed, in my parent's basement, with all my belongings in boxes and piles all over the room. it was the day before i was moving to college and i was all sorts of confused. i'm normally not the biggest fan of change, and i wasn't looking forward to leaving my family. however, i knew how intensely unhappy i was in my current situation and instead of complaining about it, like i'm prone to do, i decided to add 400 miles and a few thousand dollars to the mix and change everything about it. that night as i sat in my bed full of dread and frantic anticipation i wrote the following words. i never really planned on anyone reading them before, but i figure it's been long enough now that i think i can share this:

Tonight is one of many lasts as I start this new chapter in my young adult life. I’ve spent the past two days packing up all my precious things from sweat shirts to old journals into brown boxes to take to college. I know college is supposed to be exciting but I can’t help but feel a little lost seeing my sanctuary in such a bare state. I’ve never seen my closet so empty, or my walls so bare and I’m not sure I approve. I’ve known for months that this day was coming. I made a promise to myself that I was going to move away to do some growing up but now that this day has come, I can’t help but feel saddened by it. 

For the past two years I’ve gone through some pretty good and pretty horrible times; I graduated from high school, I started college, I had my heart ripped out, I’ve felt more alone than I ever thought possible, and I’ve come back from it, slowly but surely healing each broken part of me.  There were times I felt like my pain would start to stitch itself up only to be ripped open, never to fully heal. But finally I feel like those wounds are no longer gaping and half-open, but healed completely with maybe a scar or two to remind me just how far I've come.

And through that painful healing process I've had one sure sanctuary, this room. I’ve spent ten years getting everything about it just right, from the pictures on the walls to the color of the sheets. I felt like my room was an extension of myself, my creativity. I've spent many mornings on my floor in front of my full length mirror following makeup tutorials to get my eyes just right. I’ve sat for countless hours in my Papasan chair with my laptop surfing the web and editing my photography. I’ve spent way too many hours in my perfect, oh, my famously comfortable bed reading thousands of pages, sleeping in way too late, and dreaming. I’ve had the most perfect dreams here, of love and loss and occasionally lucidity. I’ve spent many nights with my blinds open, staring at the moon and stars through my window only to fall asleep in the moon’s light, and eventually be woken up by that same open window and the morning sun’s heat upon my face.

Whenever I was asked where I’d want to be most, where I felt the most safe and comfortable, I would always think of my room. I know I’m moving on to hopefully better my life but I can’t help but feel a little bit of sorrow that my greatest comforter can’t come with me. 

(pretend you can't see me in that mirror- pre losing 20 lbs. yikes)

a day in numbers.

seven hours of sleep

two hours in line

one sunburn

three car loads

eleven boxes

nine big black garbage bags

one favor and a gentleman's truck

one empty storage unit

twenty five trips up and twenty five trips down stairs

one mid-day meal

eighteen familiar faces and smiles

all in one seventeen hour day to get me feeling back in place

i am officially exhausted.

Tuesday August 23, 2011: i like to play this game called "construction or accident."

i've spent the whole day driving, or so it feels, so i'm going to spend this whole blog post making observations and commenting on other people's driving:

• each time i passed someone who was going slow in the left lane today (which unfortunately was quite a few times) i turned to get a good look at them/stare them down only to find that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WAS ON THEIR PHONE! k, honestly guys if you don't know how to talk and use cruise control at the same time then maybe you shouldn't be driving in the first place. this brings me to point number two.
• cruise control. i spent the entire distance from filmore to provo basically playing tag with a car because she apparently didn't know how to use cruise control. the back of her car said "byu or bust" so i knew she obviously wasn't that smart to being with (kidding, dad). she would speed up and pass me using the left lane, tricking me into thinking she was a good driver, and then get back in the right lane and slow down enough that i had to pass her. now, me being a better than average utah driver i know how to use cruise control so my speed stayed the exact same this entire time but she would fluctuate between 65 and 80 within a matter of minutes. retarded.
• the car in front of me in nephi was watching the little mermaid. i was tempted to drive behind it and watch for a little while but then they decided that they wanted to go 70 instead of the speed limit of 75 so i had to leave that dream behind. 
• every time i drive home from logan i like to play this game called "construction or accident." you would think this game is pretty straightforward and easy to win but alas it is not. whenever i get backed up in traffic i try to guess the source, whether it's construction or a car accident, as the name implies. right when i get myself convinced that it's gotta be an accident because i can see police lights and there's no way i'm coming up on my fourth construction site in three hours, i'm wrong. because there are always, without fail, police lights flashing even when it's just a construction zone. my favorite twist in the game is when traffic is so backed up that i get to spend 20 minutes going 10 miles per hour because each idiot car that drives past the construction zone wants to get a look at what all the commotion is about, so instead of going 65 like the good sign says we're allowed to, they're going 15. (side note: i'm staying at a friend's apartment at oakridge tonight because she got to move in early as a freshman, and the people upstairs are running around and giggling. it's 2 AM! i hate freshman.) 
• while i was driving today i thought of this poem that i think mrs. madden had us read in my creative writing class. aaand i just tried to look that poem up but apparently i put way too much faith in my googling abilities and not enough in my ability to remember the words of the poem so i couldn't find it. it said something to the effect of "are the organisms inside the metal bodies the guts or the brains?" it was talking about watching humans drive from an aliens perspective and how half the time we don't use our brains enough to be considered anything more than guts. sigh, if any of you had madden and can remember what this poem was you should tell me, because i'm starting to feel sliiiightly retarded for writing an entire paragraph without actually having the poem to share with you. 

Monday August 22, 2011: "you is kind, you is smart, you is important."

 so, i'm way tempted to just say "hmm not my
fault i've had three late posts in a matter of four days" and excuse
it all away but i can't because it totally is my fault. i knew the internet was
going to shut off at midnight last night and also, i totally let myself
fall asleep earlier than planned. i was laying in bed, super tired, with
my laptop and i started to get cold so i got under the covers and closed my
eyes, even though i knew that meant i was going to fall asleep. and i
totally did. with my contacts in, makeup on, teeth unbrushed (grooooss, i
know. i brushed them first thing in the morning though, no worries), and
clothes still on. i woke up this morning with my laptop in my bed and my
eyes drier than (insert horrible simile about the southern utah desert).



well, now that i have that out of the way: last
night i went and saw the help with jerrick. at first we thought
we were going to be the only two people in there, which made me feel all cool,
like they were putting the movie on just for us but then four more couples
came and ruined that. which totally sucked because being alone in a movie
theater is the best. but you know what's better than that? the movie the help.







guys if you know me you know that normally i strongly dislike movies that
make you feel good or cause you to examine the comfortable ways of thinking
that society has unknowingly, or knowingly, instilled in us despite how wrong they may be. however i was
definitely a fan of this movie. the three leading females were all so
brilliant; we all know i have a strangely intense love for emma stone but
the two other females who played opposite of her were so compelling. there's
one part of the movie where the main maid Aibileen is getting the little girl
she looks after get ready for the day and she just looks her in the eyes
and says, "you is kind, you is smart, you is important." let me
tell you, if i had the capabilities to cry during a movie that line alone would
have done me in. actually the entire relationship aibileen has with that
little girl is so precious and heart wrenching. even the
"villains" of this movie were so horrible that they were
brilliant. the way they treated everyone who was below them really helped me open
my eyes to how i treat others. when a movie is able to do that in a way
that inspires their audience instead of alienating them, i'd have to say that's a
success.  if you haven't gathered by now, i definitely recommend this
movie. 
  
i'll leave you with another random favorite
song. my little brother showed this song to me. i never thought i'd say i
actually enjoyed songs that he liked but here we are, agreeing on
something. 
  

Sunday, August 21, 2011: New stereo and Family Videos

Heeey guys, guess what? I got a new stereo deck thing. 

The one and only Jerrick helped me install it, and rather effortlessly too. In January my ipod’s radio transmitter broke and I’ve been listening to old CD’s from my sophomore year of high school ever since. (I was totally going to insert a picture of my cds that i would spend hours coloring with sharpies in high school buuuut i seem to have left those on my other hard drive. apologies)

Although they are decorated prettily, my music taste has changed for the most part (not so much into that angry stuff, although it still does make me laugh) and I’m definitely beyond excited to drive home with this new bad boy. It has an ipod USB connecter thing so it’ll even display who the artist is on my dash. SO excited.

So we watched home videos today after a legit dinner of my first taste of steak in a few months (I never thought I’d be able to go vegetarian, and then I moved out on my own and basically accidentally became one). The first video we watched was of me as a 12 year old, and can I just say, Oh. My. Awkward. I am sooo glad that that version of me was only temporary. I was probably the most awkward, obnoxious and ugly sixth grader out there. Not only did I have that pre-pubescent body shape of slightly overweight baby fat, but I also had awesome acne and a wicked perm. Aaand because my hair was so thick the perm pulled out at the top and left me with straight hair on top to awful poodle curly hair on bottom. Never again. The second hour (yep we watched them for that long) of home videos was me as a seven year old and the whole time I kept thinking just how much me and brooke looked, and even kinda acted, alike. (once again, I wish I had pictures of us to compare side by side, however, my mom is trying to drag me out the door to go shopping right now so I don't really care to look for one. apologies) I don’t know whether I should apologize or congratulate brooke on what she has to look forward to.

Also, can I just say I am digging being home? I love being able to go sit outside when I’m getting a little chilly and warm right back up in five minutes. I love having my little puppy to sit and pet and play tag with (she legit plays tag, and it’s the best thing.) I love having left overs in the fridge. I just feel like I’m surrounded by friends when I’m here (I know I’m totally going to get made fun of for that last part. My parents have made it a point to mock me for these blog entries. The things I do for you, internet diary). I took a bunch of pictures today that I haven’t quite gotten around to editing yet, so I’ll probably post those tomorrow… if I feel like it.  

Saturday August 20, 2011: Lavender Fields and Little Devotional.

I have a totally valid excuse for why this is two days late: turns out my dad has programmed the internet to shut off after midnight. Ooh it feels good to be home. You’d think this would get me to bed at a semi decent hour but I manage to stay up stupid late anyway. That’s the night owl in me doing it’s job.

I spent most of Saturday alone and driving the 400 some odd miles between my current home and my family's home. Every single time I make that infamous drive I pass the lavender fields around Nephi I tell myself I’m going to go to lavender days this year. And I never do. There’s just something about a whole field of natural purple that makes me SO happy. I would have a hayday if someone put me in that field with my camera. Plus, I can’t even imagine how amazing it would smell. Yes, that settles it. I’m planting a little pot of lavender in my apartment this year.

Audio books are such a gift. I am one of those lucky people who was blessed with the talent to be able to fall asleep anywhere, and unfortunately that also translates into me having the capacity to fall asleep while driving. This has not happened yet, and audio books are mostly to thank for that. Audio books are also to thank for me “reading” a bunch of the classics: Jane Eyre, Peter Pan, Wuthering Heights and I’m currently half way through Emma.  They help me feel like those hours of driving aren’t wasted, but having something to actively think about and follow along helps me stay awake. Win, win all around. The site I get my free audio books from is librivox.org, they have a bunch of the classics and most of them are voiced over rather well.

While driving I started listening to Taking Back Sunday’s second CD, where you want to be. And I refound one of my old favorite songs: little devotional. I seriously listened to that song for forty or more minutes. By the time I hit beaver my voice was completely shot from singing along. *insert huge smile here*

In conclusion for today's post, I have finally done enough field research to conclude that my intensely awful heartburn that I've been experiencing is directly related to the amount of chocolate I shove in my mouth. I feel like this may be the biggest challenge of my life. (i'm totally kidding guys... well... kinda)

9 pointless truths aaaand another truth.

guys. only 11 days left, aren't we all feeling successful? yes. yes we are. so for today, here are some things:

• i've been feeling chronically tired lately. i've only been up for 11 hours today and i'm already about ready to call it quits and head for bed. i just want to curl up and watch a movie. 
• speaking of watching a movie, i miss tv. i haven't really had a tv for a year now and i didn't really noticed until now just how much i do miss having a big screen tv. movies are so much better on the big screen, which is why me and trina have started occasionally going to see a movie on tuesday nights (student discount night. save two dollars, holla!)
• today at work i had a little old lady ask me if i did my own nails and then tell me she loved them. i proceeded to get all beam-y and made an "aw... you" face. and then i helped another older lady and after we were done she took my card, asked me my last name, and after sincerely thanking me for taking the time to help her, she said she'd always look for me every time she came in. it's times like those that i manage to find some sort of hope in customers as a whole. 
• i'm BEYOND stoked to go home tomorrow! i may even get to see my little sister play soccer in payson. yay!
• speaking of my family: i love how i can't call their house without little mini me, brooke, screaming "I LOOOOVE YOU," the second she finds out who is on the phone (me). she does this the entire time i'm on the other line. you would think it would get a little obnoxious, but it really just makes me laugh so hard.

(one of my favorite things to do is skype my family. not only is it super entertaining because brooke's "i love you" impulses translate to video chat just as well as they manifest through the phone, but i also get to see the faces she's making. comedy gold, i tell you.)

• these past few days have been so much fun staying in an actual house. ciera the great is, once again, the best for letting us stay here. i miss the feeling of living in a house and not just an empty-walled, soul-less college apartment. 
• (i know no one wants to hear about this but here i go anyway) speaking of empty and soul-less, i still haven't gotten my $50 from one of my roommates for last month's utilities and it's stressing me out. i have no idea where she lives now and no way to get a hold of her other than her cell phone, which she conveniently refuses to answer. anyone have any tips on how i can get that from her? no? that's what i was afraid of. 
• also, ciera the great's house doesn't have air conditioning. at all. being summer time you'd think i would be dying of heat. but nay. turns out i really am a desert child and i the heat doesn't bother me. at all.
• i wish i had a tripod. one of my goals that i was unable to accomplish this summer was to do a night time lapse photo shoot thing by pointing my camera at the stars and leaving it open for a few hours to produce a picture like this:

• when i went to flickr to find the picture you see above i found out it's world photography day. i wish i would have known about this earlier than at ten at night. knowing that it's world photography day, i feel even more guilty about being 12 days behind in my project 365. wah wah wah. 
• i never thought i'd be one of those girls who writes a blog to unwind. weirdo. 

this is going to go up before midnight, i bet none of you thought that'd ever happen. 

moving adventures and thoughts on being homeless

so guys, being homeless for these past few days has really got me thinking about what exactly makes up a home and what it takes to make a person feel "at home" or feel comfortable.
i remember the summer before seventh grade i went and stayed at my grandparent's house for a week without any other members of my family. my first night back home after a week away i felt extremely confused. i was torn and completely overwhelmed with feelings of missing my extended family, whom i'd just left, and feeling relieved because i was finally in my bed in the comfort of my own home. i'm pretty sure i cried before i fell asleep that night out of sheer confusion. ever since that vacation i kinda just accepted that i was one of those people who took a while to adapt to a new place.

now rewind to a year ago: i moved from my perfect and comfortable bedroom of eight years, in my house of thirteen years, to a brand new city six hours and four hundred miles away from home to live on my own. i was scared and rightly so. however, i surprised everyone, including myself, with having no problems adapting to "living like an adult." that extreme confusion and overwhelming feeling of being lost that i had so intensely experienced as a little twelve year old that i was expecting wasn't there. turns out i was totally fine with living with two strangers, surrounded by twenty strangers in my building, and 624 strangers in these apartments, and over 18,000 strangers on campus.

since that fatal day over a year ago i've moved four times, stayed in six different places for extended periods of time ranging from two days to ten months, and lived with six different people and i'm still totally cool with it. i've never really felt lost or like where i was, wasn't where i was supposed to be. either i've become extremely good at adapting or this really is where i'm supposed to be in my life.

my ability to deal with changes so adeptly has me over the edge excited to study abroad next march! did i tell you, my two professors who agreed to write academic recommendations have emailed me back saying they've got my letters ready. all that's left to do is write my own 250 word personal essay and pay the $125 to apply. :)

last night's dream and 30 rock.

you know what would be cool? if i started using this a dream journal. ask anyone i see on a daily basis and they'll tell you that i have the weirdest dreams, and i have them nightly. but, i can tell you why this won't happen. a) i dream in images, not concrete story lines so explaining most of them would be really, really hard. b) i write these bloggy things late at night, as you all know, so by the time i get around to writing i've forgotten my dream from earlier that morning. c) some of my dreams contain things that i probably shouldn't include, like when i mentioned in yesterday's post about dreaming of people i've recently met and don't know very well or dreaming about people that i should have forgotten long ago, like old boyfriends. yep.

however, i'm going to bullet point some of my dream from last night:
- old boyfriend
- the cul-de-sac where my parents used to live
- giant wedding cake that we were breaking apart and sharing with a bunch of random kids
- someone's step mom sent a car bomb into the cul-de-sac and it was completely up to me to disarm it and save the children who were eating all the wedding cake. i was frantically trying to get it out of the cul-de-sac when it went off and blew everyone up. and that's when i woke up.

so weird, right?!

***

to end this tonight, i thought i'd share a few of my current favorite quotes from my all time favorite show  (it's 30 rock you guys. c'mon.) just because i can.


Tracey- "So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable."
Toofer- "I'm doing good."
Tracey- "Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son."

Frank- "Wow, that was embarrassing for you."

aaand

Liz- "why are you wearing a tux?"
Jack- "it's after six. what am I, a farmer?"


the only reason i'm not completely dreading time moving forward towards the impending fall: new 30 rock.

also, can i just say i'm glad this month is nearly over... these blog posts are getting stretched pretty thin. 

night owls and the neon light disease.

i'm currently sitting in the dark at the table of ciera the great's house because i forgot to do this whole blogging thing earlier today. it's 3 AM and i'm not even close to being tired. wanna know why? when i got home from work at 2 (which was SO nice. i don't think i've ever gotten off work that early) i laid down on my sleeping bag to plan what adventures i wanted to have the rest of the day. in an attempt to think at my fullest potential i shut my eyes. worst idea ever. next thing i knew i was waking up from the strangest dreams i've had in a looong time full of people i hardly ever see (does anyone else dream about people that you're not really that good of friends with. it makes telling people about my dreams semi awkward) with swollen hands and a million text messages. yes. a million. this is becoming a problem.

i am the only person i know who can lay down and fall asleep all within one minute and who takes naps that last three hours each time. but then again, i'm also one of the few people i know who have seen the sunrise due to staying up too late and waking up early all within a three day period.

remember when i tried to fix my sleeping schedule last semester and i ended up staying up for 38 hours with only one hour of sleep in the mix? and how all that did was just make me unmanageably loopy and tired for the next two days? it seems so weird to me that sleep is such an essential part of living (i mean it takes up like 1/3 of our lives, right? or did i just make that up?) and i still can't seem to grasp the concept of going to bed at ten and waking up at seven. heck, i don't even know the last time i went to bed before midnight. you'd think being an adult would come with a built in sleep schedule. i guess not.

i read an article within the past year about some guy (ten points for being specific and taking the time to look up the article for you. saaarcasm) who held an experiment on the human circadian rhythm. he took a few volunteers and stuck them alone in a room underground, completely undisturbed and then monitored their sleep patterns. after a few months almost all of the people adapted to a 27 hour day instead of our normal 24 hour day. now that i've taken the time to write that out i totally forgot what my point was in explaining that. you're welcome.
i guess i'm just curious why it is that i can't seem to get myself to sleep like the rest of you. i'm not an insomniac, that's for sure. i get tired, i fall asleep easy, and i never wake up during the night. it's just a matter of the time that i get tired.

so right here i had totally planned to show you this gem i'd found on tumblr the other day that had made me laugh. i was some comic about night owls and the nightly struggle they face. but, saddest face, i just spent five minutes looking for it and i can't find it anywhere. bummer.
because i couldn't find what i originally wanted to show you, here is a picture of something else that almost applies to my current situation

i love this. thank you shel silverstein

and there's our answer, ladies and gentleman. i'm a baby bat. 

these are getting way too long. also, i moved and ate at IHOP.

today started very, very early for me at good old 7 AM. i woke up in probably the most heightened state of panic i've ever experienced. the explanation: the sleeping bag i had slept in had grabbed a hold of my braid with this small strip of velcro that someone had the inability to realize would be a bad idea to place RIGHT NEXT TO THE HEAD REST. so yeah. that was how the day started and it kinda set the pace for the rest of the day.

i spent the first two hours cleaning, running up and down stairs, and freaking out that time was going twice as fast as normal. the good news: we managed to do everything on time. the bad news: i didn't completely pass my clean check because there was some rogue dust on more than one surface of my room. hiring someone to come in and dust for a few minutes shouldn't cost me too much though, so i'm not too worried.
i spent the next two hours sitting on a couch waiting for $50 bucks to find it's way into my pocket. it didn't so i have no other choice but to become a nuisance about it. despite how much you probably don't care about this i will most likely keep you updated until it is resolved. you're welcome.

also, guys. i'm way dreading summer being over. i got to go on a mini bike ride today to relocate my bike from my apartment to my halfway house for the week and the whole time i couldn't help but imagine just how little time i have left before that perfect bike ride is going to be miserable. filled with things falling out of the sky, miserably cold temperatures, and ice. ugh.

i'm getting tired and this is getting long here is today in a series of bullet points:
*me and trina went to IHOP and were basically delirious with laughter the whole time. the pancakes were delicious but our waiter was sliiiightly creepy. he reminded me of the white version of antonio banderas. the cashier person took way too long coming to check us out that me and trineh took to coughing loudly to try and get their attention. eventually those coughs turned to giggles which turned to full blown laughter and even a snort or two. (wow, longest bullet point ever. the concept of short and sweet seems to have escaped me)
*we found every cute thing ever today at kohls and the mall. there was this light blue pleather jacket at buckle that was PERFECT. and expensive so we both had to close our eyes and move on.
*the sunset tonight was amazing. there wasn't a cloud in the sky but that didn't stop the deep orange and pink from saturating the sky near the horizon almost completely. the beautiful sky combined with the perfect temperature outside i was tempted to just pull my car over and enjoy.
*i shouldn't be telling you this but i'm SO sore. and it's in weird places too, like my forearms and my calves. moving apartments does weird things to me. actually moving in general does weird things too.
*also, i had a monster of a migraine tonight. it slowly subsided though, after three hours.
* oh! and i finished mockingjay. it only took.... three months. i'm a member of this site called goodreads where i keep a catalog of books i've read or hope to read. i posted my review of mockingjay over there, check it out if you'd like.

and with that, i'm headed to bed. it's late and i get to work early tomorrow. yay...

i packed, moved, and cleaned an apartment today.

sorry, this is going to be short because i have to get up in 4 hours to do more cleaning. i'm feeling like writing in paragraph form isn't working for me tonight. here are some bullet points:

• i'm currently sitting on the floor of my gutted bedroom. 
• i've been packing, moving, and cleaning for 16 hours, off and on. 
• i feel like super woman when i move all my everything-i've-ever-owned all by myself.
• i've spent forty minutes total on my knees scrubbing floors tonight.
• i spent too many hours today in a very frustrated mood because... 
• two of my roommates feel above cleaning and have consequently not done any. we'll see if they like that when want their deposit back. 
• i am SO over college apartment living. especially the whole roommate thing.
• i accidentally packed my pillow in storage :(
•  my back is angry, my hands are sore, and my whole body is exhausted.
• i took a shower at 2 AM and it was, without a doubt, the best shower i've had in a long time.
• i'm going to miss this place.

i feel bad complaining for 10 bullet points straight so here is something to cheer you up. my friend posted this song to his facebook and it made me happy. have a listen:

:)

the day i became cultured in (americanized) foreign foods.

so, earlier i was thinking about what i wanted to write about today i realized something. i'm unsure why this is but i always feel the need to address you "guys" when i'm writing one of these (which is slightly pretentious because it's like i'm starting off my posts with self inflated notion that tons of people are going to be reading this, even though blogger tells me differently and that, in all reality, there will probably only be 25 of you. also, that was the greatest, most unnecessary run-on sentence i've probably ever written, but i digress). with that said, i'll probably keep doing it. just because it feels... right.

so, guys. today, as i mentioned yesterday, i got to go to dinner with ciera the great (yes, that is in fact her new and permanent name as far as my blog is concerned. and that is what she will be known by from heretoforth. and yes, i realize heretoforth is not a word but that doesn't seem to stop me from trying to use it. like this is the fifth time i've found myself writing it out in the past week and every single time the spell check gets mad at me. you'd think i'd learn.... but i digress. again) (i just googled it. what i really mean instead of heretoforth is henceforth. yes. that does make more sense. but on to the actual blog now. wow, i'm tired.) aaanyway, ciera the great and i decided to go to this japanese place here in logan called Takara Sushi. being the ever cultured utahard that i am, i'd never had japanese food before. because i didn't know just how authentically japanese the food was going to be i was slightly nervous. but earlier this summer i'd made a pact with myself that i would no longer shy away from new experiences, and that most definitely included food. so at about 7:15 tonight i found myself walking into such a legit sushi bar that they didn't even have forks there, only chop sticks, which made me a little more nervous, considering my experience with alternative cutlery was minimal at best. ciera the great had been there quite a few times before so she helped me pick out the best food on the menu. try not to get jealous, or hungry, but this is what i ordered:

may i present to you, the beef teriyaki platter... spread.. thing.

oh. my. heavenly. i don't even know what most of the stuff on that plate is but i can tell you that i thoroughly enjoyed it. it may look like this was TONS of food but i managed to eat all of it, which people who know me can attest is no small feat, and not feel overwhelmingly stuffed. the japanese are definitely on to something with their portion controls. anyway, on the bottom left corner those are sweet potatoes, onions, and zucchini that have been breaded and fried. there were these little pouches of deliciousness that you can't see because they're hiding behind that white bowl of mystery dipping stuff (see, i legit wasn't kidding when i said i had no idea what i was eating.)

in the top left corner of my tray is four california sushi rolls. because i was trying new things i told myself that i wasn't going to leave that restaurant without trying sushi (especially since the whole time we were there, there was this lady sitting in the complete opposite corner of the dinning area who was basically falling in love, out loud, with her sushi for everyone to hear. it was... slightly disturbing. "this is the best sushi i've ever had, and i've been to san francisco!" i'm still unsure how visiting san fran makes you a sushi expert... but then again, it could. i wouldn't know). so i picked up a piece of sushi with my chop sticks (which may or may not have had cheaters on them), dunked it in soy sauce, and lifted it to my mouth. before i could even open my mouth i caught a good old whiff of it and i swear to you guys, there was no difference in the way it smelled between that and the big can of fish food my mom used to buy for the gold fish i would inevitably bring home from swiss days every year as a child. i tried three different times to get myself to eat that sushi but i never even got my mouth open before i got all sorts of grossed out. i still can't believe a few of you out there enjoy that stuff. no worries though, i didn't waste my sushi. i brought mine and ciera the great's portions (because she's normal just like me, and she doesn't enjoy eating expensive fish food either) of sushi home for katrina because she had to work instead of going on the sushi adventure with us.

oh! and they brought us this soup before our food came out called.... it started with an "m"... that's all i really remember, but it was so warm that the thicker parts of the soup were bubbling and doing this weird thing that me and katrina learned about in astronomy because it's what the surface of the sun is doing at all times (yes this is literally what i was thinking of as i watched the thicker parts of the soup rise, cool, and sink again. and yes, i'm aware that i'm a huge nerd.) but i can't remember the name of it because it's 5 AM and i honestly shouldn't be awake right now.
i kinda lost where i was going with that train of thought, so here is a picture of ciera as she's attempting to enjoy her food while i invade her space with my camera phone.

for some reason i thought posting that picture would help me regain some semblance of a train of though, however it has not so i think this is a good place for me to call it a night. also, i totally just heard one of my roommates in the kitchen. who gets up at 5 AM!? honestly. 

in conclusion: i can't believe you read all this. i apologize for how difficult this probably was to read. also, i've decided that on the rare occasion that i decide to let myself spend money on going out to eat, i'm definitely going to let ciera the great pick the restaurant from here on out.

for being 4 in the morning, i'm awfully chipper.

guuuuuys. remember a few days ago when all i wrote about were complaints? guess what? most of those have been resolved.
- i finally talked to my roommate about paying me back for the utilities. yay money.
- i decided to rent a storage unit in the morning instead of trying to impose on someone else.
- ciera the great has a truck we can borrow.
- i'm mostly packed. well, my room is mostly packed. i can't really say much for my bathroom or kitchen stuff.

things i'm looking forward to:
- only working 4 hours tomorrow and then going to dinner with ciera the great.
- being homeless for 9 days. i've never felt so... unanchored. it's surprisingly nice.
- visiting home in a week :)
- getting a new stereo in my car.
- that last slice of cheese cake in my fridge.
- i found kodak portra film that i'd forgotten about under my bed today. i'm ecstatic to start using film.
- i also found an unopened tube of my favorite lip gloss in high school. mmmm tastes like memories.
- going to the oakridge ward for church sunday. it's nice to see familiar faces again.

isn't it the best when everything starts looking up again? 

for being 4 in the morning, i'm awfully chipper. 

lets be honest, society sucks and the media is vicious.

so, i wasn't planning on really writing much tonight. stress makes me zero fun to talk to slash read about and as you've probably gleaned from my previous post i'm slightly stressed. along with being zero fun to talk to i become a master procrastinator and as such i was going through my old facebook wall posts to reminisce of sorts tonight (it's way fun, highly recommend it). while doing this i ran into a picture of myself from about a year ago. 

warning: this picture is way unflattering. 

that picture was taken on june 23, 2010 when we dropped jesse off at the mtc. at the time i didn't really realize just how big i had slowly gotten over the past few years but the second i looked at the pictures my dad had so graciously taken of me i couldn't get the image out of my head. i had managed to gain almost 40 lbs since my sophomore year of high school. i was huge and i hated it. 

fast forward a few months: when i moved up to college i was scared to grow up. i was scared to make sure i woke up on time, i was scared to have to pay for everything on my own, and most of all i was terrified of the supposed freshman (or in my case the junior) fifteen. once i moved up here though, i realized my reluctance to spend money on food, my spread out classes all over campus, and my new found love for grapefruit were totally working on my side. by the time i visited home in october i could barely keep my jeans from falling off; i'd already lost ten pounds. 

it's now a little over a year since that first picture was taken and this is what i look like today (literally today):

(ignore the mess, i'm packing... kinda. that excuses it, right? not really? awesome)

i've lost almost 20 pounds, i'm back to wearing the ridiculous purple shorts i loved so much my senior year of high school. i'm finally comfortable in my own skin again. i don't want to say something shallow about how what you look like and how much you weigh should directly coincide with how you feel about yourself as a person, but lets be honest, society sucks and the media is vicious. living in today's world is hard enough without adding a few extra pounds to be carrying around. 

i'm just glad that i'm back to cringing at pictures of myself because of the faces i'm pulling, and not because of how many of my chins are showing. 

just a little stress rant about moving and school and blah blah blah.

today at work i realized it's the tenth. that means i have five days to be out of here, my current apartment that is. let me explain to you why that stresses me out so bad:

• one- that's five days to put all of my worldly belongings into cardboard boxes, stuff them in my car and move them to an entirely new location but...
• two- i don't have an entirely new location to move them to because... 
• three- i can't move into my new apartment until the twenty fourth because everyone who runs an apartment complex up here is only concerned with money and not the welfare of others. 
• four- i still insist on totting my bookshelf, complete with fifty plus books, and my papasan chair with me to each apartment. even though neither of those things fit into my car by any stretch of the imagination and...
• five- i've yet to find anyone with a truck who would be willing to help me move said bookshelf and massive chair. (i wrote about my previous experience with this problem in my post about ciera the great)
• six- the utilities in this apartment are under my name,. on august 8th, i'd paid $181 of my own dollars with neither of my other two roommates even acknowledging that they each owe me $48. to make matters worse, i think one of them may have even moved out today. i can't afford to pay everyone's portion of the utilities, that's almost $100 between the two of them. (let me be clear that i'm not afraid of katrina not paying me for the utilities. she's been out of town, it's understandable. plus i could easily take her if it came down to a fist fight.) anyone have any ideas on how to get them to pay me?
• seven-moving out means school is starting. and i'm not ready for that. i don't have my books yet, i'm still on the waiting list for one of my classes, my hours at work are going to go down because of my school schedule which equals less money, aaand what little money i have left is all going to the university. i don't really feel like giving up my money just yet. 
• aaand eight- i've loved this apartment. i love how roomy it is, and how huge my room is. i love having my own bathroom; i love that we have a kitchen table and a pantry! you guys don't know how rare it is for a college apartment to have a pantry. i love the massive window in my room that lets in all of the morning's sunshine- even though i sleep through most of it. i'm definitely going to miss this place.

i'm just really not ready to give up sunshine and warmth in exchange for early morning class, nature dying, the air freezing, and homework.   

    

(in case it was unclear, these three pictures are my way of paying homage to the summer almost being over.)

in non related news: i fell asleep on the floor today after work for about half an hour. when i woke up both my hands were numb from laying on them and i definitely had a little bit of carpet face going on. it was completely attractive.

p.s i have this new love for chewing ice. can anyone enlighten me on just how horrible that is for my teeth? personal experience?

a story about one bad thing and five good things.

oh a scale of one to ten, my desire to not write about this is at about a twenty. however, i didn't start this beda thing with the intention to ignore all the bad choices i've made this month and only post the good things about myself. now, i would like to take this time to point your attention to my "about me" section that's most likely situated on the left side of your computer screen. read that, absorb it, follow it. moving on.

in order to tell this story in it's fullest i have to start with last night (or tuesday night for those of you not reading this in the middle of the night on wednesday when i first post it). i was wasting time on the internet, as usual, when i started getting way fun stomach pains (saaarcasm). you know the type that come out of no where with such an intensity that all you can do is just curl up in a ball, and then the pain subsides and you think you might actually live through the pain and then it hits you again? yeah, that's what was going on and since i hadn't eaten anything out of the ordinary that day i thought maybe i'd just caught something. by 2 o'clock i'd eventually accepted the fact that i would most likely be spending the rest of the night hugging the toilet. however, around 4:30 ish the pain subsided, for good this time, and i was able to fall asleep.

now, fast forward to this morning: i had the pleasure of waking up to a phone call and subsequent message, at 11:15. from my manager. i was supposed to be to work at 11. yes. in a blind panic i managed to get changed into work clothes, pull my hair up, apply a coat of mascara and a wash of blush, grab two pieces of bread,  and make it out the door all in time to be clocked in to work by 11:30. talk about a stressful morning.

however, this situation helped me realize just how lucky i really am. first, when i got to work and explained to my manager why i was late she just kinda laughed instead of getting mad at me. i can't help but think there aren't very many managers who would react with laughter instead of reprimands. reason number two: because i was late for work i only had time to grab a few pieces of bread for breakfast, so around 2 o'clock i started getting really, really hungry. it was also at about that same time that jimmy johns just so happened to come in our store, handing out free samples of sandwiches. hunger: vanquished. seriously, so lucky.

and now, to finish off this post, here are a few pictures from the rest of my surprisingly good day.


cheese cake from my previous post about the amazing miss ciera.

i've recently become strangely obsessed with a nail blog i found and so i tried out one of their tutorials. it actually turned out really well (pretend there isn't any polish on my skin. thank you)

and the dinner that i made for myself. it's one of the only legit meals i know how to cook: italian chicken served with green beans and either italian pasta, a potato, or rice.

i also spent three hours reading catching fire* (finally) and i'm nearly done with it. i don't have a picture of this feat though, so you're just going to have to trust me.

*edit: it's actually mockingjay. i have no idea why i can't keep those two books straight. 

webMD certified.

i suddenly completely regret my decision to write about everything that's happened to me over the past week, because now it's day eight and i'm finding myself completely void of any idea of what to talk about.

oh! here's something. did you guys know i'm a hypochondriac? yeah, that's a thing. but what do you expect when i grew up with a dad who's every sneeze was let out with the gusto of a gunshot wound and every cold was treated like the bubonic plague? (heeeey dad.)

between my hypochondriasis and my supernatural googling abilities i managed to predict my eventual (and professional i might add) diagnosis of chronologic urticaria that i received two years ago from the allergy specialist that comes down twice a year to st.george.

however strong of a case that first instance may make, being a hypochondriac isn't a good thing. i've had myself convinced on more than one occasion that i've had cancer of many different varieties. at one point i even diagnosed myself as lactose intolerant (thank the heavens that one was wrong).

it doesn't help that i am naturally blessed with many physical ailments, or self-diagnosed ailments, such as horrific heartburn (ooh alliteration. should i try and alliterate the reset of these ailments? yes i shall.), hypoglycemia (that whole alliteration thing didn't last long.), most recently anemia, a heart mummer, and extreme lethargia (alright, i made that last one up but don't i sleep more than anyone else you know? think about it).

being a naturally independent person, who has an insatiable love for googling things, it makes sense that i would become my own doctor, just as so many other internet veterans have. however, i'm going to go ahead and say that's a bad thing. anyone can post whatever theories or diagnosis they want on the internet and that ends up equating to the blind leading the blind. it's ok that i like to pretend i'm a certified webMD doctor, but when it comes to real medical problems sometimes it's best to just swallow your independent pride and book an appointment.

(in case you were wondering, this got all preachy at the end to serve as a pep talk for myself. however, if you ended up benefiting from my late night motivation, then we'll consider you a fortunate casualty. high fives all around.)